The John Hughes Way

I was born in the late 80's, two years away from being a 90's baby. Not that it would have really made much a difference. Or maybe it would have, who knows. I grew up on classic rock, jazz, and classical music, all of which are really interconnected. My favorite band is Pink Floyd, I love loud music, and 80's movies are really my favorite type of movies, especially John Hughes movies. Seriously, who hasn't seen The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, or even Sixteen Candles? His movies really got to the center of some serious adolescent problems. He didn't just make fun of them, which is definitely one way to go about growing up a young person in society. Laughing things off, ignoring the stupidity of others.. sometimes those techniques in life just don't work. His films really delved into the mind of how we work when we're trying to find our place in our life. he sad thing is no one will ever know until one day that place slaps you right in the face and says, "Here you are! Enjoy!" But.. does tht really ever happen? To some people it does, and they are the very lucky few. The rest of us are just trying to find some niche in life where we can be ourselves.

Anyway, my point is, some o my favorite movies of all time are from John Hughes.

For those of you who are from a younger generation than I am, which isn't saying much, I'm barely into my 20's, there is a new movie that really pays homage to John Hughes and his movie style. It came out this past summer. It's called Easy A. Emma Stone is the star of the film and I will say, she's quickly becoming one of my favorite talents on screen.

Easy A is a really amusing and amazing movie about life in high school, which again, is in fashionable John Hughes style. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it to everyone who has ever seen a John Hughes film and who desperately needs to be introduced to them. In my opinion, you'll be a better person for it. Become a part of the Brat Pack. Learn a little about life, real life. Although his movies do have happily ever afters, which doesn't always happen, they do teach us about the hardships of life. If you can't find what he's trying to say, you aren't open enough or being honest with yourself.

On a different note, I have New Years Eve and New Years Day off.. ooooooooh what shall I do?! Boots is going with her girls to a fantabulous club where you pay a ridiculous (though not so when you think about drink costs) amount of money to get in and for free drinks. My other best girl friend, let's call her Domogirl, has already flown to Canada to hang with a bunch of people she met at Blizzcon. Bear says he wants to kiss me at midnight, which I agree to of course. I've told him this and it was a realization for me when I did.. I've never been kissed at midnight on New Years before. It sort of blew my mind when I realized that, because I've been with guys on New Years who were at the time my boyfriend and I've never been kissed at that time. Maybe that's why it's never worked out.. Oh well, life goes on.

Oh man, do I ramble or what? Must get ready for work now. Tonight I work the Host stand in our Cafe. I did it the day after Christmas, boy was that a mess. My coworker said I actually did well for it being my first time, but I think otherwise. I feel like I barely survived. It was kind of nice because I was tipped out by the servers at the end of my shift, which I feel is a little unfair since I didn't you know.. SERVE any one, but that is apparently the way it's working now in the Cafe. It's nice, but like I said, I do't think it's fair. Bear said it made sense, since the dining experience begins with the Host, but I'm not really doing anything except keeping the rotation going. Oh well, must just be a mental block.

Speaking of mental blocks, the other night I was at dinner with Bear and Dreamer, and somehow we got onto the subject of how eating fish and sushi is ok, but eating things like duck liver, dolphin, quail, and other out of the ordinary animals is not. Why? We're all a part of the food chain. Maybe I'm just weird like that. I don't see where the line is drawn. It reminded me of an discussion Ber, myself, and a few others got into at a party about why a man shouldn't hit a woman. It truly baffles me.

Holidays

I've always liked the holidays. People laughing, smiling. The twinkling lights of decorated trees and houses. The smell of fresh baked goods. It all gives me a warm feeling inside that is incomparable to anything other than love. I have the greatest example of love in the world, my parents. High school sweethearts, married for 27 years, together for 30. The thought of it makes me smile.

This year for the holidays I'm going to experience something new. My brother is married and out of the house we both grew up in. My grandmother has moved out of the state. My other grandparents have moved two states away. I'm working a job where I'm going to have to work Christmas Eve and Day. Normally, Christmas Day is spent waking up and making coffee (though not for me, I despise coffee), watching a random Christmas movie, and opening gifts given to me by loved ones. Then it's off the Grandma's house for more gifts and food that any Italian restaurant would be jealous of. This year.. this year is going to be a little different.

My brother is spending the holidays with his in-laws. My Mom and Dad are going to visit my Mom's parents on Christmas Eve and then drive to my Grandmother's (who is my Dad's mom) for Christmas Day and taking the dogs with them. I will be left alone, with a beautiful tree that Bear, my Mom, and myself decorated. Wrapped gifts will shimmer under the tree lights. I'll wake up to an empty house, shower, eat, and get ready for work. I'll work and come home, exhausted. What to do when I do come home? Only the day will tell.

New experiences are always around the corner. I just hope I'm ready for them.

Is There A Reset Button?

It's been well over a month since I last wrote. Shame on me, but what can you do? It restarts now.

I've had friend issues, but those are being resolved. I worry a little too much sometimes, but how can you not worry about those that you love? I just need to learn to be patient. I've often been told that I have pateince that no one could possess, but when it comes to knowing things about those I love, I'm so freaking impatient that I worry myself into a tizzy. But, I love them and that's all that matters in the end. They'll come to me when they're ready about whatever is on their mind, and that's pretty much what's happened. I'm just glad that I could connect with two great friends towards the end of a year in which I have gone through a roller coaster of emotional turmoil and happiness. It's been one hell of a ride and it isn't over.

I've gotten much acclaim from my managers and crew at work. I've been taught more and slowly given more responsibility. Recently I've been moved into the crew scheduling team at work. Hopefully I can help out. Learning more about the business, I realized how screwed up the business really is. Honestly, there are times where I know we are understaffed, but if the crew would just pick up the pace and band together, we could get through the hard times that are coming up. If the past is any indicator, we CAN do it. The crew just doesn't want to. They would rather moan and complain than just suck it up and do the best they can. I've seen what happens when everyone steps up and does what they're supposed to do. It truly is amazing, but sadly it is a rare occurrence.

Oh well. Is what it is.

Many things are happening right now. Whether they play out for good or for ill, only time will tell. At least I have the love and support of those around me. Even if the worst should happen in my situation, I have the constant reassurance that things will turn out right in the end, however bleak it may look at this moment.

Work, School, Friends, Halloween and probably some other things

Lots of things are going on all at once and I am tired.

Scared Silence

I spent the evening with Bear drinking cocoa, listening to Muse, reading, and cuddling. It was an amazing night even though not much was done. Sometimes you just need one of those times, and I look forward to many more of those nights ahead. Relaxing and self realizations. Amazing.

Amazing is a word that Bear and I use to describe each other. We argue playfully that the other is the amazing person, not believing it in ourselves. At least I don't. I think Bear does, but for the reason that "you're worth being amazing for". I can't help but smile every single time he says that. I'm amazing so that he has to be amazing for me. Or is it that he's amazing and I just want to do what I can to help him continue to be amazing? Who knows. But tonight I came across and sudden realization of part of the reason Bear is an amazing person, but for some reason I couldn't voice it. Am I still afraid of opening up? I love Bear, completely. But if I do, why am I afraid?

Rejection maybe? If he were to reject me he would have done so already, if not when we first met.

So why am I afraid? Why am I nervous? What makes it so difficult to open this part of me up to him?

So here's the low down - in my past relationships (a grand total of four, including Bear) two of them have cheated on me and the other just lost interest in me romantically. I haven't had the best luck in matters of the heart. How do I explain to him that after true heartbreak, after bad experiences, I came to know that love, true feelings of love, do in fact exist? I have the perfect model of what love is, my parents. Married 27 years, together for 30, and still in love to this day as much as they were back when they first met. It's not perfect, but nothing is. They have their disagreements, but in the end they love each other and they work things out. There isn't anything in this world that they cannot handle if they are together.

Anyway..

I so wnted to tell him why he is amazing to me tonight. I wanted to tell him that he has made me believe that trust, true feelings of love, and honesty do exist. I noticed that i listed those in order of what was broken in me in my relationships past. Trust was broken when the guy whom I lost my virginity to cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend. Love was shattered when the guy I dated for 2.5 years cheated on me. I was led to believe we would get married one day. Long story. Honesty was thrown out the window when a guy had me believing that our relationship was just fine when in fact he had lost interest in me 2 months before it ended. My dog had died, my brother was married, Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed, but I knew something was wrong and if I mentioned something like that to him, he would reassure that things were great and we would go out and have good times, laughing all the while. How was I to know? Guess I'm just gullible.

Bear though.. he's amazing because he has shown me that trust, love, and honesty exist. I didn't think that I would believe in those in anymore, but I do. We look at each other and I see in his eyes my future.. full of hope, trust, love, and laughter.

But how do I say that?

Gloomy Weather Makes a Happy Bubbles

Having rain at this time in the year is strange. Normally it's blasting winds combined with unnatural heat, creating the lovely southern California fire season. At the moment it's overcast, misting now and again, and cold. Oh, how this weather makes me happy! I can wear my collection of spiffy scarves. I can wear jackets without sweating my ass off. I can wear gloves with funky print and still be considered normal. Hot chocolate will be drank by the gallons and spiked every now and then (trust me, it's delicious). Days like this are treasured by me and those weird enough to be like me. I was one of those kids who people warned about being in the rain too long would make you sick. Hah! I rarely got sick because of that. I only ever get sick if the weather changes too quickly for my body to adjust.

A warm bed, a cuddling partner, some music, hot chocolate, and a good book is all I'm looking to get out of today.

I'm still stuck on Starlight.. *sings in a loud off-key voice*

:D

More Friendship Troubles

I have been feeling lately that something was getting in between Boots and myself. I've been trying to find a time to see her and I know she has tried the same with me, but lately our schedules or previous plans get in the way. Pretty much ever since her birthday and us seeing Muse in concert, we haven't had much time to hang out. It's been three weeks since then. I miss her. She's my best friend. We can talk about anything, share secrets, gossip, and generally have a good time with each other.

Just lately it's been.. distant. And I know I've felt it.

I was texting with her last night and today trying to see if she could come to a board game night I'e orchestrated with Bear. There's going to be lots of family and friends there, more than I had anticipated. That's thanks to Bear. It's sure to be a memorable night. Just wish I wasn't waiting on my camera being shipped for repair right now.

I found out this morning that she can't go because she had to stay home with her younger brother and sister for the night. With the way I had been feeling and the way she worded her response, I knew something was wrong. I asked her if she was mad at me, for whatever reason. If I was wrong I wanted her to tell me. She didn't reply for about two hours, but she was at work so I didn't expect her to answer right away. When she did reply. she said that she was annoyed with me, but didn't say for what reason, so I told her to text me later if she wanted to talk about it.

Generally I'm a nice and happy person. I try my best for my friends and family. Sometimes I try my best for myself. But it seems like it's never enough and I just can't do anything right.

Once again, for the umpteenth time this year, I feel inadequate.

Losing one friend who is like a sister to me is one time too many in a lifetime, I don't think I can handle another one.

Friend

I have a friend who's going through a tough time and it makes me sad that I can't do much to help. He lives clear across the country, but he's been one of my good friends for nearly two years now. I know that this time of year is very hard for him. Holiday season. I don't think holiday season is really fun for anyone. The idea of holiday season is in a way romantic... maybe that isn't the correct word, but it's the closest I could come up with. You get to see those dearest to you and celebrate just knowing them, being with the people who make you laugh, cry, and everything in between.

Anyway.. I feel as if I can't do anything to help my friend. I want to be there and listen, but I'm busy as I know he is as well. Should that really get in my way though? I don't think it matters that I'm busy, friends find the time to talk, to help each other out. I should be putting more effort into the friendship. I just hope he knows that I still consider him one of my best friends.

What can I do to show him that I still care, even when we don't talk?

Song Obsession

You know there are those songs that you hear on the radio (if you listen to it) and you love the beat, the sound of the singer and the pace of the lyrics. Couple of weeks ago I saw Muse with my friends. I knew their music, but as to the name of the songs and what exactly the lyrics were, I had no clue. I caught on here and there and from what I could decipher, I enjoyed it very much. I wanted to get their cd's so I could listen to more of them and get acquainted with all of their songs, as well as learn the names of the songs. One song I love (partly due to the performance I saw live and who I was with at the time) is Starlight. I knew some of the lyrics, but before getting those cd's (a big shout out to Trixie for sending them to me) I didn't know all the lyrics to the song. Now that I do, I'm even more in love with the song and will continue to blast it until I get tired of it.

Since that is a rare occurrence with songs I love, the people around me will just have to endure.

Here are the lyrics for Starlight in case you are unfamiliar with them:

"Starlight"

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

Don't you just want to cuddle up with someone while that's playing? Or, if you're like me, blast it until everyone in the surrounding county can hear it while you sing along in a loud obnoxious voice until it ends.. and then you hit replay.

Wonder Wonder Wonder..

I've been debating lately exactly why I'm writing the things that I do. Why do I write about my life? I write truthfully. I sometimes think of the letters I type to make words as a voice in my head. Ever do that? It's the reason that reading is so much more entertaining than watching a movie. That's not the point though. I write for me, but what's with me wanting to check to see if anyone has read it?

Yup.. I'm weird.

Grow Up?

Rammstein is my second favorite band of all time. I found out a little over a week ago that they will be playing at Madison Square Garden in NY. On United States soil. First time since 2001 that they will have done so. I want to go. Badly.

I plotted in many different ways on how to get there, how to get my parents to agree, where I would be staying, how I would get work to accommodate a weekend in December for me to be out of town. Yea, lots of thought has been put into this trip. A trip that I will have to put on hold. A dream trip, one that is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why? Reality folks. That little bitch that ruins all daydreams and fantasies. Responsibilities are what comes with reality. And I have much on my plate that I must take care of.

My debt to my parents, my schooling, my job.. I unfortunately cannot put these things on hold for a 3 day trip in December. It makes me sad that I can't go see them. When will I ever get that chance again?

Guess I'm growing up.

Nightmare Weekend And It's End

This past weekend was, for better or worse, a nightmare. Only thing that made me sane was a slight breakdown and a visit to Bear's.

Saturday night was a freaking nightmare at work. Every single show of the Social network was 97% full and as I predicted I was going to close concessions. Two of us clocked on at 6pm. I was closing at 2:30am and my coworker was scheduled until 1am. It all started when we had to take our breaks two and a half hours into our shifts, one after the other. I figured since I was getting off work an hour and a half later than him, logically I should take mine second, but we got into a small argument over it and I ended up taking mine first. Whatever. I got back from break and we were slammed for three hours straight. Supposedly for a set like what was going in at that time we were supposed to have all 16 registers open. We had seven. We even had someone call out that night who was supposed to be our PA, which is the person who is "point accountable". Yaaaaaaaaaaay, fun times.. *sigh*

My coworker and I worked our asses off to close the concession stand somewhat early, it was 1:45 by the time I was completely finished. I thought I was done, boy was I wrong. I had to make some caramel corn for the next day because we were completely out. I worked until 2:40am. Made a bag and a half of caramel corn. Most people would have only make half a bag, if that. I felt like I worked two shifts into one. I mean, we all get kicked around during our shifts. We seat, porter, run in concessions, work 3D.. sometimes all in the same shift. But with the amount of work I put into, well... work that night I felt like I had shoved a 16 hour shift into one eight hour shift. I came home drenched in sweat, so tired I was having trouble driving, which isn't a good thing. I was safe and everything, just tired.

When I got home I called Bear. I just needed to hear a friendly voice, some compassion. I was so frustrated I cried. I'm trying so hard to get my life together. Sometimes I feel as if it's not worth it, no one really cares if I do well, they only care when I mess up. At least it feels like that. Anyway, we've had plans to get together for lunch on Sunday. I needed it, needed to see him. Just to feel him hold me, to be near him. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I woke up on Sunday and I felt like shit. I needed to wash my work clothes, I needed to shower, I was at ends with my mom.. I just wanted to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. After I finished my washing my uniform, showered, and got everything together I left for Bear's. Only on the way there I realized I left my freaking work shoes at home. It was a good thing home was on the way to work from Bear's house. I got to Bear's and the first thing I did was walk in the door and give him a kiss. Then I fell into the circle of his arms and stayed there for minutes on end. I needed this, this right here. To be held and feel like I mattered to anyone, someone. I cried, this time because I felt a warm wave of happiness through me.

"You have no idea how much I just wanted to do this last night, just hold you in my arms."

I cried a little more when he said that. Just to feel as if I'm special to someone, that I belong somewhere, and that somewhere was right there, in his arms, holding me close to his heart. I once read that we all have two eyes, two ears, two hands, two sides of a brain.. but only one heart. Our main focus in this world, whether you believe it or not, is to find the other heart that belongs with yours. I think I found mine. We stayed like that, just embracing for awhile. We then heated up leftover pizza and ate. Then we went up to his room and just laid there for awhile, chatting about random things. Whatever popped into our heads.

And yes, it did lead to some happy time, but it was needed. We were both dealing with stressful times.

I was happy after that and not just because of that. It was because of the emotion that went into it. The sincerity of those feelings. Everything done is an expression because of the extent of our love for one another.

Alright, enough sappiness from me.

Last night we went to go see Easy A. It was me, Bear, and Dreamer. The movie was HYSTERICAL. Definitely one I will go see again. I need to take my mom to see it after all.

That's it for now I suppose. I have work again tonight. I wonder what I'll be doing? It's a 5-10 shift, so most likely concessions once again.

Ciao.

Exhausted

I'm so bummed out. My body is extremely tired and sore. I was up for 20 hours yesterday. I woke up early for a test I had to take in my 9am class, so I was up since 7am and after getting home from closing at the Dream Factory I went to bed about 3:15am. Stupid people who worked snackbar yesterday, so eager to get out of there that they left their stations completely unstocked for the next day. Is it really that hard? Make sure your water, ice creams, and candy is stocked before you freaking leave! That way the two closers don't have to stay over what's scheduled and alomst fall asleep on the road during the drive home.

The Social Network is doing amazingly well. Every show was sold out, even our 21+ showing! I have a feeling since I closed auditorium side last night I'm gonna be closing snackbar tonight.

*sigh* I just want to relax, but I have too much to do until I go back tonight. Cleaning, laundry, studying.. it just never ends.

Follow Up

So last Friday wasn't so bad at work.. At least it was a shorter shift. I met up with Boots and her entourage for the night at around midnight and chilled. I was sad that I couldn't join in on the drinking and festivities, but I had to be up and back at work at 9:30am.

On Sat I was dropped off at work so I could be picked up by my friends and go straight to the Muse concert. I was scheduled for snackbar.. eek! At least that was my first thought. It wasn't as horrible as the images in my head as to how the day would go by. I was constantly doing something, but people are so stupid. When did common sense leave the masses? People will stand in line for 5 minutes and have that entire time to look at our menu. Anytime they ask if we have nachos, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, Icees, or a medium sized anything, I just want to look them straight in the eye and say, "Did you even look at the fucking menu?" And for the people who are "members" of our theater, get a damned membership card! I hate taking up so much time looking up 3 different phone numbers, having YOU misspell your last name to me, and finally looking up your email that you registered with just so you can get 3 points on your account. It's a waste of my time, your time, and the time of the 7 groups of people in line behind you. I would appreciate it if you got the card that it takes not 1 second to swipe and avoid all the yelling just to get the points so you can save $5 on something three months down the road.

After I cashed and clocked out, I got ready within minutes and headed downstairs to wait to get picked up by my friends. Tonight was the Muse concert! I was jittery all day in anticipation of the event. I decided to dress up a bit and apparently I did a good job of it because I saw some coworkers on the way down while hey were heading into work and they were like "daaaaaaaaaamn girl." They were both girls, in case you were wondering.

The concert itself was AMAZING. Muse rocked Staples Center like no other. I had a small case of whiplash the next day so work was interesting, but I got to work the caramel corn station so I wasn't complaining. I love making the caramel corn at work. It beats dealing with customers all day and I can confidently say that I'm the best at making caramel corn at work. Not only do I make it well, but I also am the quickest. More than once I've heard the phrase "you're like a machine!" said to me about how fast I make caramel corn. I was thinking about why that was and the reason I've come up with is this - I actually work at making caramel corn. When other people get the shift, they use the time as a way to relax at work and take their time. I make the most of my time in that little cubicle-like station and get done what needs to be done.

After work I rushed home to put the finishing touches on Bear's birthday present. I was making him a scrapbook of all the things we've done since we've been together. I was very nervous to give it to him. Everyone I told about it to get their opinion said he would love it. I had those closest to me help to get started working on the project and I love the way it turned out. When he opened it there was nothing but smiles and laughter coming from him as he flipped through the pages, reminiscing about the times we've had since we met. And they have been nothing but "good times" as Bear would say.

Monday I had the follow-up with my the dermatology department for the state of my cyst, which has pretty much gone away due to the work of the antibiotics. When I had originally gone to see the doctor, it was inflamed and swelled up to the size of a quarter and thick as a small rock. My doctor send a referral to dermatology saying he wanted them to excise it, which is understandable due to the state of it when I first went in. By the time the antibiotics did their job, my skin was smooth and the cyst was just a dark spot under my skin. The dermatologist took a look at it and pretty much said that excising it would not be necessary because these cysts are not typically recurring. Sounds good to me! I don't need to have my armpit cut open and have stitches for a few days. That would have been a pain. I also had gotten my shift covered for that night so, yay, no work for me!

Also on Monday I went to go look at new phones with my mom because mine is literally falling apart. I took good care of that phone, too. I ended up getting the Samsung Reality. Stupid technology, I had to buy a data plan with it costing us $10 more a month even though I don't use internet and other applications on my phone. But apparently the phone wouldn't work without a data plan? Right. Money-grubbing bastards.

Tuesday was class and work. Wednesday was long day of classes and I actually met up with an old high school friend by chance. I have not spoken to her since we graduated and honestly, other than some posts on Facebook, lost all contact with her. We spent an hour and a half before my class on Wednesday catching each other up on the other's life. It was really "mint" as my English online friend would say. We plan to get together soon and go rollerskating. She apparently loves the rink as much as I do!

Last night I spent my girl's night with Boots. We watched Golden Girls, chatted away, watched the new episode of The Big Bang Theory, went to Wal-Mart for photo frames for her and I got new perfume and alarm clock. We shared a Kit-Kat and just had fun. I studied a bit for test I just took today and I think I did really well on. If I got anything less than a B on the test I really need to shoot myself in the foot because I knew majority of what was on that test.

Well, that's it for now. I work closing at the Dream Factory tonight and Saturday night. Blah, no fun. Oh well, at least I have a job and am making money for the Rammstein show I'm hopefully going to in December!!! First time since 2001 that they will be playing on United States soil. Why does it have to be in New York, all the way across the freaking country!! I'm going to try my hardest to go. Who knows if I'll ever get the chance to see them in concert again? Hell, when will they ever play in the United States again?

Update on Bubbles' Life

So, true to my word, I shall update anyone who actually reads this on my life. I left of leaving you in dire anticipation (ok, maybe not, but I'd like to think so) of what became of my school schedule and how the very gross cyst was doing on my underarm. So lets begin:

My school schedule has been solidified and set in stone. I actually managed to get the classes I wanted, needed, and in the times I wanted them. The perfect trifecta! It worried me a little bit because in my experience NOTHING runs that smoothly without crap happening right after to screw up my life. Nothing bad happened this time though and now the only school related stress I have is doing well in those classes. Such a relief! I got some sleep caught up on, schoolwork caught up on, and went to work with a better and clearer head on my shoulders. I still have been closing a lot, but since I finally got my school schedule settled, I put in a new availability sheet and can work during the week during specific hours.

Now, onto that stupid little cyst. I went to the doctor's and they diagnosed it as a sebaceous cyst. I took the antibiotics they prescribed me and after 10 days of taking 2 pills a day, it went down completely. All that's left is my appointment with dermatology to get the sac that the fluid from the cyst was in taken out. Here's where I get angry. Not with the doctor's office, but with work.

At work, we have weekly sheets where you can request a day off. If you need to request less than 2 days off in a row, we have to sign up on those request sheets. I find it lame that we have to wait until the week before an event if we just want 1 day off to know if we can even get the day off. Hope that makes sense to you, cause it really does make me angry.

This weekend I have a lot of stuff going on that I wanted to get days off for. I rarely ask for days off. Today (9/24) is my best friend's birthday! Happy birthday Boots :D Tomorrow Tallboy bought me, Boots, Bear, and himself tickets to go see Muse in concert! I'm so excited for that. Sunday is Bear's birthday and I can't wait to give him his gift. I've been working on it for a week, but only started putting it together two days ago. It's turning out great, I just hope he likes it. It's a huge gamble and I'm going for the odds. My appointment with Dermatology to get the sac taken out is Monday.

Anyway, back to my point. I asked for Friday off, Saturday off, a mid-shift on Sunday, and Monday off. I got scheduled Friday night, Saturday during the day, Sunday during the day, and in the evening on Monday.

Fuck.

I can deal with Friday night, I just really didn't want to miss yet another night out with Boots, especially on her birthday. She understands and I think her for understanding. I'm going to try and see if I can leave a little early, but with 4 opening movies last week and another 4 opening this week, I highly doubt it. I also can't wait until her present comes in the mail, she's really going to like it. Saturday was just NOT going to happen. I did the best I could to fix the situation and the best I could do was switch for an opening shift instead of a day shift so that I could still go to the Muse concert and celebrate the birthdays of the two closest people to me who are not blood relatives, or my dogs. I love my doggies :D And seriously, when am I ever going to get the chance to see Muse in concert?

To quote Orchy, "But I digress.." Hehe.

Sunday was the only day that I was granted what I wanted, a mid-shift during the day. I can see Bear after work and give him his present.. oooooooooooh I'm so excited to give it to him, but like I mentioned before I'm still very nervous to give it to him. Monday, that was the second biggest scheduling conflict that mad me angry. I have my Dermatology appointment like I mentioned earlier. Let's see.. getting my underarm numbed, cut open, and sewn back together and then going to work? I don't think so. Just a little bit earlier today I managed to find a coworker who would take my Monday shift. Thank goodness. I have been trying since Tuesday night when the schedule came out to find coverage.

Wow, that was a lot to write and think back on.

Oh! I passed my first Chemistry test with a 92%. Woot! I didn't do so well on my first Food Science test, but I have been doing well on the homework assignments so I think I'll be alright. I just need to study a little harder. I should also be focusing a little more on my Sociology class, thinking about that one has kind of gone by the wayside from my core classes.

Bad Bubbles, baaaaaaaaad.

Meep

I realize I have not written for awhile. Not that I don't want to, I've just been extremely busy. School, work, studying, studying, school.. and throwing in friends and Bear into the mix somewhere. I hereby promise to write more.

That's for you Orchy :)

Doctor's Visit

Went to the doctor yesterday for something I've been tracking that's unusual. I noticed what I thought was a pimple that hadn't come out yet on my under arm for a couple of weeks. But it started to get bigger and not come forward. Then in a matter days it doubled in size, which means it was as big as a nickel and hard to the touch. Luckily it wasn't sensitive. If it had been, I probably would have been sent to walk-in surgery. But that was it, no more waiting. I made an appointment to see my doctor. I nearly had to cancel it because of the school situation I'm in, but luckily I didn't have to.

Got to the medical offices and waited for my turn. Good thing I made an appointment, I was in the waiting room less than anyone else there. My blood pressure was higher than it normally registers as, but that's probably because I've been stressing for this entire week about my school situation. It wasn't that high compared to other people: only 117/66. Last time it was 98/62, which is about normal for me.

Man, I need to start exercising again. I feel gross and unhealthy.

The doctor took a look at it and said it was basically a cyst that would have normally come out, but it got irritated and stayed underneath the skin. He diagnosed it as a Sebaceous Cyst. He drained it a little bit to see if it was infected, but luckily only blood came out of it. He stuck it with a needle and twisted it around a little to make sure there wasn't any pus. Good thing I have a high pain tolerance, otherwise I would have screamed from that pain. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like a motherfucker, but it was (barely) within my tolerance range.

He prescribed me some antibiotics which I have to take twice a day and I have a follow-up appointment with Dermatology to get the sac of the cyst removed. Hopefully it goes down enough that I don't actually have to go to walk-in surgery. Ugh, warm compresses to make the cyst drain on it's own, antibiotics, band-aids that rip my skin off.. I should have gotten this taken care of sooner, but what can I say.. I guess down to my core I'm just a procrastinator. If my own health doesn't motivate me, what will? Then again, most people don't think about their health. Obesity, diabetes, and any other diseases than can be prevented don't stop people from getting them.

Makes me sad.

College Headache

I've been ridiculously busy with school these past few days.. hell, since Monday started. So many complications, so many questions left up in the air and unanswered that I feel very lost and confused. There's so many paths I could be put on right now, none exactly scary, but it's that fact that I can't plan for what will surely come. I don't know what will surely come. I have to plan in several different directions right now which is so difficult.

I've been running around my campus trying to figure my status as a student. I finally found out I was readmitted for sure. Oh, wait! I have to play the waiting game because some teachers from the summer hasn't posted other students grades, which apparently affects me even though MY teachers have posted my grades. I have to wait for A&R to get those grades and change my status from DQ'ed to Admitted. That may not happen until next week... NEXT WEEK. Why don't they just kill me already?

I've been running around the past two days trying to crash classes in order to be added to those classes. They are classes that I need. I have to wait until tomorrow to find out for one of the courses that has a lecture and lab component. For another course I have to wait until next week. Though since I'm already signed up for a class at a community college that will transfer over as the second course, I think I'll stick with that one. That was found out yesterday after spending about half my day at campus in the 110 degree heat walking like a mad woman trying to crash classes.

Flash to today. I woke up, showered and went straight to campus. I've been to 3 classes today, one which had a lecture and lab. Couldn't get into that first one that has lecture and lab. Go eat. Get to another course, but the spots have already been given away.. damn. The teacher told me that she was teaching another class of the same course later this evening. Go to another course. I have to wait until the third week of classes until I know if I'm in that class. Give me a freaking break. Go eat. Now I'm sitting and waiting to see if I can get into that second class of the teacher I went to earlier. About a half hour before the class starts. I have a headache.

I've been all over campus in the same heat as yesterday. In and out of air-conditioned, and not so air-conditioned, buildings. I hope I don't get sick. If I get into this class, I won't leave for home until 9:45, if the teacher keeps us here that long. So, I left my house a little after 10 in the morning. Crashed classes at 11:00am, 2:00pm, 5:00pm, and waiting to crash this class that starts at 7:00pm.

I just want to go home and sleep so I can be rested in case I have to cancel my doctor's appointment to crash a different class of that same course I'm trying to crash now. Oh and if I get into that class that has a lab component, I have lab tomorrow at 1:00pm.

Isn't college life grand?

All You Need Is Love

Fair warning, this is a long one.  And personal.

We're all jaded by someone or something that has impacted our lives in a negative way.  In this instance I'm talking about someone.  Well, two people in fact.  Both ex-boyfriends.  Relationships, they certainly have the biggest impact upon us.  At least I think they do.  This subject is not easy for me to talk about.  

My first real boyfriend, or what I consider to be my first real relationship anyway, I lost my virginity to.  For a girl, that is not something to be taken lightly or something we're likely ever to forget.  On that subject, we are like the elephant, we never forget.  I was young, stupid, and naive.  He was sweet, or at least he seemed to be, thoughtful, and fun to hang with.  He also started bragging to his fraternity brothers that he was dating a soccer player.  Telling me how good a boyfriend he was for not hitting on certain hot chicks at parties he went to.  Last, he started hanging with his ex-girlfriend of 3.5 years towards the end of our relationship.  I'm leaving a lot of details out because it simply hurts to think about this.  Needless to say, I'm pretty convinced he cheated on me at least once.  No, I do not have any concrete evidence, just a gut feeling.  

My second boyfriend I was with for just shy of 2.5 years.  It was 2 years and 5 months I was with this guy.  My first love and my first experience with true heartbreak.  If you had asked me about my future several years down the road, I would have said I had no doubts about this man in my life.  Little did I know that he was still a boy.  Not to go as far as saying he was my everything, but I did almost everything with him and when I wasn't with him, I was either at school or I was doing something soccer related.  Man, I had so many reasons not to doubt him.  We had so much in common, we did so many activities together, and talked about anything.  Near the end of our relationship, perhaps n the last 3-4 months, whenever we would go to the mall, he would want to stop in the jewelry stores and ask my opinions about stuff.  Yes, he actually did this.  When I would ask him way, his reply was that he wanted to get to know what my taste in jewelry was, what I liked and disliked.  I was still naive.  To me, this made me think that he wanted to buy something special for me soon.  I even got to the point in my contemplations when I thought he was going to buy a ring for me.  

Silly Bubbles, why would anyone do that for you?  At least that's what went through my head many times after he broke up with me.  Just after Thanksgiving, a week before my finals, two weeks before Christmas, and right when my parents were going to take us on our yearly visit to Knott's Berry Farm.  I had to miss Knott's because of studying for finals, but I could have used that distraction.  I was depressed for weeks.  I didn't leave the house.  I tried to stay friend with him, did my best to transition, but honestly, I don't know if he knew what he was doing to my heart.  You see, he apparently started getting feelings for this other girl who was helping him work on his website business.  I have no doubts that he ever cheated on me physically, but emotionally maybe.  Does that make sense?  It does to me.  He started hanging out with her hand her family more and more.  I had no reason to suspect anything because, well, he just wasn't that type of guy.  See what I mean? Naive.  It really became hard to deal with when he started asking me for dating advice.

Advice for things to go more smoothly with HER.  Me being the person I am, stepped back from my emotions and gave him objective dating advice.  I then went home and cried.  Two weeks after that, things weren't going great with them.  I didn't really give a shit at this point.  He called me to see if i was free to get some Starbucks.  I was, so 20 minutes later we went and got some hot chocolate.  I hate coffee.  It was raining.  We sat int he car and talked for a little bit.  Well, he did majority of the talking.  A little later into the conversation he asked me, hesitantly, if I wish we hadn't broken up.  Oh God, what the hell do I say to that?  The truth.  I replied that I do wish we hadn't broken up.  And then, ladies and gentlemen, he asked me the question: did I want to get back together? 

I was silent.  I was shaking.  Why, why the hell was this happening?  What do I say? Yes, no?  He spoke my name softly.  Did I? I was crying silent tears.  I never wanted to go through this.  

No, I told him.  God, now I was shaking even harder.  Man, I still tear up a bit when I talk about this..

No?  He didn't understand, couldn't piece it together.  I wish we hadn't broken up but I didn't want to get back together?  Correct.

Not only was this heartbreak folks, it was a rip-your-heart-out-and-put-it-through-the-incinerator moment. The truth was, if this happened once, what was the guarantee that it wouldn't happen again?  This was the start of my jading, of my trust issues, of me not believing in love.  Yes, I didn't really believe in love anymore after that.  

I started dating my third boyfriend a couple of weeks later.  This relationship lasted almost a year.  It pains me to say this, but I think he was a rebound.  He was nice, innocent, and loved guns.  He was strong, funny, and loved watching movies.  I was actually talking with Boots about this a little while ago and I came to the conclusion that he was more of a friend with benefits for me.  I cared for him, but not like I think a girlfriend should or how I normally would anyway when in a relationship.  I do feel a little shame in the fact that he gave his virginity to me while I was in essence using him.. 

Guess I'm not above the title bitch after all.

This brings me to present day.  I've been dating someone for nearly 6 months now that I met by chance.  He was supposed to be in Vegas that weekend and I was planning on being at home the whole night on the night we met.  This night was perhaps the most fantastic night of my life.  I have never connected with anyone quite easily as I did with Bear.  Nor have I ever kissed anyone within the first few hours of meeting them.  He asked me out on a date the next day and the following Friday was our first date.  Since then, I have been that happiest I've been in a very long time.  I'm optimistic.  I'm cheerful.  I'm in love again.  Tonight I found out what a true emotional connection is. 

Bear and I have have sex just like any other couple out there.  We experiment and have fun.  We love to please each other in ways we know how and learn new ways to do so.  Tonight something different happened.  I experienced love-making.  It was slow, it was sweet, it was wonderful.  I was so happy that I nearly cried because I didn't know exactly how to express my emotions (we girls sometimes cry for that reason boys, get used to it, it's not always a bad thing).  I've never made love or been made love to.. is that the right way to say that?  Anyway.. this was, well, new.  If he only knew how deeply in love with him I am and oh, I'm scared.  All the emotional baggage from previous relationships rears it's ugly heads.  Bear is truly something special.  His mind is amazing.  His spirit is strong.  He's lived an incredible life so far.  And he loves me.  He wants to be with me.  My first instinct is to question why.  I'm nothing special.  I don't really have much to offer.  But he chooses me, for the moment anyway.  I have my doubts, mainly because of relationship baggage, but I don't think I'm giving him the credit he deserves because nothing he has ever done leads me to believe that he doesn't want me, that I'm only there because it's convenient.  He likes me for me.  He wants to be with me.  

And once again, I believe in love.  

Everything he's done, I've done, and that we've done together has been put into perspective for me.  All because of one night of true love-making.

Go With The Flow

I'm a very go-with-the-flow type of person.  There will be some times where I think I'm being so distracted by everything thought that crosses my mind.  I guess that's why I say the weirdest things.  Maybe not the weirdest, but off topic perhaps.  That's the way I've been feeling.  Just.. going with the flow of life.  Seeing where it takes me.  When my second bf broke up with me, I talked with Boots about how I was just going to stay single and figure myself out.  We were going to find ourselves.  Well, at least I was.  Boots has a pretty good idea of who she is.  I envy her sometimes.  She's only two years older than I am, but I look up to her more than she knows.  I rely on her logic and intuition.  She relys on me for the same thing, though we both do it for different reasons.  

About 2 weeks ago I went to go see Inception by myself.  It was kind of weird, seeing a movie by myself.  Today I went and saw another movie by myself.  This time it wasn't weird, it was more liberating than anything else.  Not waiting on anyone to be there on time.  Not having to worry about anything else that doesn't have anything to do directly with myself.  On my way home I had a certain sense of independence that I've never had before.  Like I can do things for myself, by myself, and because of just little ol' me.  I may be a go-with-the-flow type of person, but covering that I am a people pleaser.  I will go at lengths to make sure someone else is comfortable, is happy, is at ease, often to the detriment of myself.  At the moment, I'm very content.  I haven't felt that way for a long while.  I'm not exactly happy with my life, I wish I can make it better.  And I can, I just have to realize that I CAN.  Nobody is in control of my life except for me.  

When I look back at how I was, oh man, was I causing harm to myself.  I was never happy.  I might have thought I was, but it was just me being that way because I thought I had to be.  Heh, this is quite funny.  As I'm writing I have the internet radio station 4EverFloyd playing in the house stereo speakers (yay for a wireless music bridge!) and Comfortably Numb starts playing as I'm talking about how I felt and feel.  I think that's what I was.  I was comfortably numb with how things were.  I feel slightly awake now.  Not quite fully awake.  Not sure if I'll ever be, but I'm making an effort to be, sort of.  

Fall semester starts in two weeks and I'm nervous.  I've messed up twice already.  Third time will not be a charm because I won't mess up a third time.  I won't allow myself to.  I still have to go buy my books and pay for my classes.  I'm also kind of happy to be going back.  I think that's because I still have a chance to fix my future success.  I think I'll still be successful either way, but having that degree is a definite confidence booster.  

Yay, I have a basketball game to go to with my friends from the Dream Factory.  I suck at basketball, so this should be interesting.  Camera time!!

Thought Vomit

Wow am I drained.  Got home from work about 11:40pm tonight.  The Dream Factory wasn't so bad today considering the shift I was given.  3-11pm and I was seating.  Score!  With how my body was feeling, I couldn't have been happier if I had met Seth Rogen.  Oh yea, I have a major celebrity crush on Mr. Rogen, don't judge me.  Speaking of celebrities, I met Turk, the guy from Scrubs (or since I never watched that show, Clueless for me).  He was really nice.  Shook my hand and everything.  It was pretty cool.  I was seating for a show of Scott Pilgrim VS The World when the previews were showing.  There's a new movie coming out called Devil, from the "brilliant" mind of M. Night Shamylan. Now, the beginning of the preview look kind of interesting.  When M. Night Shamylan's name flashed on the screen, the entire theater groaned.  I mean, it was almost a chorus of "Oh god, really?" fromt he audience.  I had to leave the theater I was laughing so much.  It was the single greatest thing I have witnessed since I started working there.  Well, besides an interaction between a father and his daughter two weeks ago during one of my concession shifts.  The daughter ordered a regular popcorn and then her dad ordered a large popcorn for himself.  She looked up at her dad, rubbed her hand on his bulgy gut and said, "You see this? You don't need that!" 

I nearly fell over in hysterical laughter.

I'm currently drinking some honey vanilla camomille tea in order to make myelf sleepy.  I've been working a ton of closing or nearly closing shifts lately and I haven't been tired when I do end up getting off work early.  Talking with Orchy about reading and writing.  I think he's my main buddy in that subject.  I know Dreamer and I talk about books, but we mainly talk about the characters and stuff that happens in the books.  Orchy and I talk about aspects of the books, how we felt about it, etc.  I really do enjoy our conversations about that stuff.  Especially when it comes to writing.  He's one of the main people who got me started on a blog because he encouraged me to write out my thoughts so I might feel better.  Little did he know it but I was going through quite a depression at the time.  He helped me tons.  

We were talking about Stephen King because Orchy was finishing up Misery as we talked.  I'm a third generation Stephen King fan.  Started reading his short stories when I was in 5th grade.  My favorite story was called Suffer The Little Children.  Very creepy and disturbing little novella.  Absolutely recommend it.  It's in the Nightmares & Dreamscapes collection.  We got onto the topic of some of my favorite childhood memories.  They pretty much all involve my mom reading to me.  The most memorable were her reading the Chronicles of Narnia books to me.  From there I just kind of rambled for a bit.  

I once thought about making a children's book.  Like short story compilations or something.  It's still something I'd like to do.  Who know's if I'll ever accomplish it though?  

The world may never know.

I've been talking with a friend from overseas about college and stuff.  He made me feel a bit better when he said he took seven years to finish up his first college degree.  I'm coming up on year five, sadly.  He's extremely smart, so to hear him say that when I don't think I am, made me feel better.  I truly do not think I'm smart.  There are times when I'm around my friends that I just totally feel dumb because I have no idea what they are talking about.  I'm very logical though.. in a abstract kind of way.  I just think I lack the smarts people credit me for.  My overseas friend said, "I think what you might lack is some personal belief...you are smart but, the lack of self confidence will affect your ability if you aren't able to develop it...."  He may be right.  I don't know.

Well, I'm finally getting pretty sleepy.  Time to go flop onto my bed and pass out listening to classical.  I know that sounds a little silly, especially for a girl at my age, but don't underestimate it's power to soothe you.  It does it for me.  

Have a great night all.

Shoe Trial

My mom mentioned to me the other day about the Skecher's Shape Up shoes.  I know pretty much all about the Shape Ups, I used to sell them when I worked at Sport Chalet.  Apparently they now make slip resistant ones for work shoes.  I decided to go check them out.  Of course being me, they didn't have my size.  I went to look in the men's section.  I have genetically big feet.  Thanks Mom. 

But, it could be a good thing.  Men's sizes are typically wider (which is another aspect of feet I was blessed with, again, thanks Mom) and just feel better.  I wish they started at 7.5 sizes rather than 8 for men's shoes.  I'd be able to find sports type shoes (running, walking, cleats, etc..) much easier.  Though it does make finding Converse shoes easier.  Just wish they had better colors.  Oh if it's not one thing to complain about, I can always find another!

I work tonight for about 6 hours and 15 minutes.  I'm gonna see if I can just make it an even six because other wise I would have to take a half hour non-paid lunch, which would put my actual work time at 5 hours and 45 minutes.  I'd rather have those extra 15 minutes, thank you very much.  Well, I did stay an extra 45 minutes last night at work, so I guess it would even out.  I could use all I can get though.

The trial of the new shoes begins tonight!

Busy Busy..

Feeling quite productive today.  I took off from home early before my final so I could do a quick review of four chapters for my Individual and Family Development class.  Got to campus an hour early and did my review.  I'm pretty sure it paid off.  There were a few questions where I was like, "Oh! I just read that."  It felt nice.  Once I finished my test, I called up Bear.  He had sent me a text earlier in the morning to wish me good luck on my final.  He can be so sweet.  

I made my plans on what I needed to do today.  Workout, eat lunch, do some laundry, and buy running shoes.  Oh, and I have work later.  

Did my workout, finished the load of laundry I wanted to do, and am making myself some food to eat.  Already cut up some watermelon.  It's soooooooooooo delicious. Taquitos just got done in the microwave. All left to do now is shower and go hunting for running shoes.

Dude! Seriously?

I just found out that Costco sells coffins/caskets or whatever you want to call them.  The sleeping places of the dead.  That is highly amusing.  Would anyone be able to find out if they sell urns as well?

SSDD.. Kinda

I feel distant.  I feel alone.  I don't really feel anything.  

I just spent the whole day feeling like nothing.  I continue to feel so.  Too bad I'm not better at hiding when I don't feel like my normal, perky, outgoing, happy-go-lucky, cheery, ever chipper self.  The day started out alright I suppose.  Woke up, had breakfast, got ready for class and left for class.  I decided during class that I was tired of waiting to see Inception since it's been out for three weeks already and I had not seen it yet.  I texted about eight people to see if anyone wanted to go,  no one could.  Class got out about 10 minutes early, so I called my mom to let her know I was going to go home and then see the movie by myself.  I hate seeing movies by myself.  She asked if I could finish doing the dishes before I left for the movie, which I did without griping.  What was there to gripe over after all?

Dishes all done, I left for the movie.  The movie itself was really good.  I don't think it was the mind-blowing, orgasmic film of the year everyone was so keen to describe it as, but it was good.  I came home to an empty house still.  My dad had texted me saying he was at my grandma's helping her with the moving truck.  My grandma is moving to Arizona.  I'm glad for her, but also sad that instead of a 30 minute drive to see her I'll now have to drive 6 hours.  More planning will be involved with that.  Also a Vegas trip will somehow wind up being in the plans.  I'm not sure how, but it will sneak in there.  Mom also texted me saying she was going to my grandma's house to help out a little bit and then go to her second job.  I was home alone all day, just me and the dogs.  I wonder if the silence and calm is what living alone feels like.  

I felt briefly happy again when I went to Target with Boots.  I spent $89 at Target on new bras, sunglasses, and a workout DVD.  Shush, I like my workout DVD's.  Then I got dropped off at the bowling alley to meet up with Bear and Tallboy.  I was starting to feel blank again because Boots was leaving and Bear and Tallboy were having their banter as usual, but I wasn't enjoying it as much.  We left the bowling alley.  Tallboy was driving Bear and they gave me a ride home.  We were supposed to chill at my house for a little bit, but Tallboy decided that there wasn't much time to do that once we got here, which brought my mood even lower.  What was the point of me leaving with them instead of Boots then?  I feel even more alone than I have all day.  

After taking the dogs outside and putting them down for the night, Tallboy noticed my Associates of Arts Degree on the wall.  Bear commented that I was smart.  Tallboy agreed.  I disagree whole-heartedly.  I'm not really smart.  We argued calmly back and forth for a minute.  Tallboy then commented that I was really down in the dumps today.  I'm not really sad, just.. blank.  I can't quite describe what it is I am. 

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 17

Now I go to sleep and hope I wake up to a better day.

Random Events

I was walking to class today and I saw a sad sight.  There was a baby bird on the floor half eaten and covered in flies. At first I couldn't make out what it was because it had no body, but then I saw the beak and the rest of the image fell into place.  No, it didn't make me think of what happens when we die. No, it didn't ruin my day.  My day has just started after all.  But today seems to be a day that things are more morose than normal, which isn't really saying much.  

I woke up today and my body is just plain tired.  My sleep schedule is really messed up with working late and then going to class early.. not really working for me.  Alas, I must deal with it in order to live somewhat peacefully in my little slice of the world.  I found my Mom in some extreme pain.  Apparently she ethier strained or pulled her sternocleidomastoid.  That would be a main muscle in the neck.  Poor woman, she's going into work instead of going to the doctor.  She'll probably make an appointment when her pain gets worse, which isn't saying much considering she's been stiff in the neck for a few days before this.  All she says is she slept wrong.  Right.

You know what I picked up before I came to class?  A V8 can of vegetable juice!  I used to drink this stuff when I was little like I couldn't live without it.  It was my air, essential to keeping me alive.  I know it has a lot of sodium and makes you a little more thirsty, but it just tastes delicious!  Unless you don't like tomatoes, then you'll just gag on it.  I think I'll try and find a less sodium infused V8 juice and bug my Dad to buy me some.

Can't wait to have lunch with Bear today.  Finally get to spend some quality time with him.  Subway, here we come!  Well.. soon as I'm done with class.

Time

You can never have enough time.  I closed at the Dream Factory once again last night.  It wasn't so bad closing last night though, I had a fantastic closing crew.  Most of my coworkers who were in the snack bar were cool.  The last two I had with me are by far becoming my favorite coworkers at work.  They both hate it there which makes working with them just plain entertaining.  I got out of there an hour early last night, which was really awesome.  I walked back to the parking lot and with another coworker who just got out of a movie and talked.  It was fun.  I don't get to just bs with some of my coworkers like I want to.  Majority of them are really nice.  Some are ok.  Others.. I wonder how they even got the job.  Aren't most jobs that way, though?

Anyway, now I'm working on a paper for my Music in Film class.  It's due at 5pm.  Nothing like waiting for the last minute! 

I was hoping to see Bear before I went to class, but it's looking less and less likely.  I was even hoping to join my coworkers at learning rubgy today.  I don't even know if I'm going to get to see Bear today.  He works tomorrow as do I, so I won't get to see him again.  He's going to take me ou to lunch on Wednesday.  I'll be so happy to see him, but I miss him now.  I feel like something is missing right now and I know it's his presence.  I just feel better when he's around.  More energetic and just in general in better spirits.  I don't think he know how much he affects me. 

Man.. am I sappy or what?

Drained

Man I'm just tired today.  Yesterday I had a very long day.  Woke up around 6am to go to work at 8am.  Work was alright.  I was opening snack bar at the Dream Factory.  Luckily they had another girl come in an hour after me and I was sent back to make cramel corn.  I love making caramel corn!  I'm getting pretty quick at it too.  It takes three large batches or four medium to small ones to make one bag.  There are two popcorn hoppers in the machine to make caramel corn.  At first I could only use one, but I'm learnign to use two.  I'm not very quick with two yet, but using two is definately faster than using only one. I cranked out three bags in 3 hours. I would have set a record for bags had I not got called back into snack bar and someone else took over caramel corn and only made on bag for the entirety of their shift there. Made me a bit sad too.  I was having fun making caramel corn.  But apparently I served Sam Rockwell while in snack bar.  

After I got off of work at 4pm, my parents wanted to go see The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which started at 5:20pm.  They came a little bit early and had dinner at the El Torito Grill downstairs from the Dream Factory, so I joined them after getting tickets.  I had this Fire-Roasted Tomato Soup that sounded different.  It was delicious.  We then went to go watch the movie.  It was ok.  It was entertaining in spots, but other than that, the movie was really nothing special at all.  Nicholas Cage is once again a disappointment.  I also ate too much caramel corn, spice drops and jellybeans.  Later in the night I would come to regret that.  By the time the movie got out, it was 7:20pm.  I have been at work for almost 12 hours.. not fun.  I was very exhausted.  I had wanted to go out to a club for a friend's going away party, but I was just too tired.  It bites because it was a club I had always wanted to go to.

I ended up talking with Bear and going over to his place for a little bit.  I had debated calling him to come pick me up cause I was exhausted, but I ended up driving over there.  I figured he had been at work and had already driven a lot today, so I drove myself.  We talked awhile, laid on the bed and just caught up with each others days and lives.  They just repainted his room so he's been busy putting it back together.  At one point I passed out on his bed for like 40 minutes.  He let me sleep cause he knew how tired I was.  Which was perfectly fine with me.  He entertained himself by getting immersed with Starcraft2.  He woke me up around 10:50pm and said I should probably start getting ready to go home, I did have a game at 8am after all.  When I was finally ready to go he handed me the rest of my water, which I gladly chugged cause I was so thirsty.  That proved to be my mistake.

As I drove home, I started feeling very queasy.  It takes me 15 mins or less to drive home.  Considering how late it was, it took me barely 10 minutes to get home.  Those 10 minutes were hell.  I was nearly crying by the time I got off the freeway with trying to keep myself from tossing my dinner in the car.  I walked into my house and my mom was sitting on the couch watching streaming Netflix and she gave me a puzzled look when she saw tears streaming down my face.  I told her that I was feeling very gross and sick.  She advised me to just go throw up, which was my plan.  Off to the bathroom and vomit appeared in the toilet.  

Damn, praying to the porcelain gods and I haven't even touched alcohol.  So not fair.  

I woke up this morning and felt so gross.  Woke up later than I wanted to, but I so needed the extra sleep.  Meant to eat a piece of toast before I left for my game, but I left it in the toaster.  So I didn't eat anything before the game and my body is still recovering from last night.  Even during the game when I was thirsty, I couldn't drink water fast or I would upset mystomach again.  The game was alright.  I hated the refs.  Why is it that only morons volunteer for these things? We lost 2-1.  The league is just for fun and it's hard to have fun when the refs have worse attitudes that the players.  Losing means that we play next week at 10am in the 3rd/4th place game.  Not bad out of eight teams.

Now I'm at home just trying to relax and get ready for work.  I close at the Dream Factory tonight, which means I won't get off work until 3am.. fun.

Adorable?

This will be a short one.

So I met a friend of a friend a couple days ago.  We have talked online several times in a chatroom a friend from their group had made just for them.  It sometimes feels weird talking to them when I'm the oldest by about 2 years at the least.  For most of that group, I'm 4-5 years older than them.  Anyway, there's this girl, we'll call her Smarty.  Smarty is about 17.  I'm 22.  She lives in a nice-ass house with her family, with a pool and a hammock in the backyard.  I love hammocks.  I think I went and laid down in it for about a half hour.  So, there was one point where she went inside the house to show Iceman where the bathroom was.  I followed a minute later so I could show her pictures of my dogs.  She hadn't seen them before and I was searching for them on Bear's Droid phone, which is cloaked in awesomeness.  I found her inside and one of the first things she said to me was "OMG you are so adorable in person!  I didn't think you were so cute."

...I was called adorable by someone who is 5 years younger than I am.  

Does anyone find that strange, or is it just me?

Blah

I've been sick. It really bites.  Last Thursday after I went to sleep, I got a call from my coworker.  I saw her when leaving the Dream Factory.  She was just going into work, but having trouble breathing because she thought her asthma was acting up.  I told her thought if she needed anything to give me a call.  Well, she ended up taking me up on that offer.

I got the call around 1:20am on Friday.  We'll call my coworker Holly.  Holly was still having trouble breathing and she asked if I could take her to the emergency room. To make a very long story short, we arrived at the hospital at 2am and I didn't get home until 7am.  Holly left the E.R. feeling no better than she went in and I was feeling even worse with the sore throat.  I slept for about 3 hours and woke up around 10am.  

There was no way I was going to go into work that day.  I felt like someone had run over me with a mac truck.  I was awake for about 2 hours trying to figure out who I could get to cover my shift at the Dream Factory that night, while making tea and eating a piece of toast.  I found someone to cover, took some nyquil, and passed out again.  I woke up three hours later.  Played some Bomberman on my Mom's Xbox 360 and then passed out again.  Woke up around 6pm.  I had texted Bear earlier in the day and he was going to come over and bring me soup :D 

He is so sweet.  My nice guy I've always wanted.  I ate two bowls of the soup and feel asleep again, this time on Bear's lap. He woke me up an hour later to put me to bed.  No really, he put me to bed.  Tucked me in and everything.  I knocked out once again before he stepped out of my room to leave. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a very small room. A few steps and you're out the door.  My mom told me the next morning that when he left he told that if I woke up and was still hungry there was soup still left in the fridge.

Could the man I love be any sweeter?

The Little Things

It's always the little things isn't it?  I did manage to accomplish a few things today.  I printed out my paper this morning to present to my class.  It was totally fun reading about how inadequate breakfast consumption affects the energy profiles of preschool children.. Right. I also got my room picked up and will start laundry tomorrow. 

Work tomorrow.. blah.

I met up with Boots and her cousin to take them to see Eclipse.  Awful fucking movie.  Don't hold your breath for it.  We had dinner before at the Cheesecake Factory.  hey treated me to dinner for taking them to see Eclipse for free.  I was really nice.  Long Island Iced-Tea never tasted so good!

I came home and as soon as I was relaxed, my left nostril plugged up and started dripping down my throat while that damned spot in the back of my throat turned dry.  This is how it always starts.  I hate getting sick.  It's probably because of the sudden shift in weather as well as the smoke from that fire that happened two days ago.  So here I sit with my tea infused with honey and lemon, hoping to ward off this invading microscopic bad thingy.  If not, I may have to use Dreamer's secret home recipe to thwart it's grasp on me.  Nyquil is also a solution, one I hope to use as a last resort, though I sleep so much better after using it when I'm sick.  Not like it was made for that or anything.

Well, time to turn my ceiling fan down and get some rest.

Hope I don't dream of sparkly douchebags.

Strange Dreams Have Found Us..

I've come to realize that I don't have funny dreams, only weird ones.  The other day I was really tired and decided to lay down onthe couch and watch once again the documentary of The Doors "When You're Strange".  If you have not seen it and are a fan, I highly recommend it.  When I first watched it I was quite fascinated, not only by the journey of The Doors, but by Hollywood's accurate portrayel of their journey.  The movie "The Doors" is right on track with what really happened to the band.  Score one for Hollywood.  Now, if they could only get the billions of other movies right.  Anyway, I've seen it before and I loved the documentary, so I figured I'd relax and watch once again the story of one of my favorite bands.  Apparently I was more tired than I thought because I passed out within the first few minutes of the documentary, Lexie sleeping cuddled against me.  For those that don't know, Lexie is my newest doggie.  She's a boxer.

My first hallucination was of my mom walking in the door.  Now, I must have dreamed this around 4:45pm.  My mom gets home at about 6pm everyday of the week.  I swear I heard the door open and her walk inside, mentioning how cute Lexie and I looked and snuggled up on the couch.

My second dream was of Banteng Muda, Cloud, and my niece comign over.  Banteng Muda is my brother and Cloud is his wife.  I like Cloud, she's a sweety, but she does get on my nerves when she doesn't mind what time it is.  Anyway, they came to visit with my niece, exept something was very wrong.  Now my niece is almost 4 weeks old, but the girl they wheeled into my house on the stroller did NOT look llike she was 4 weeks old.  She looked like she could be about 10 years old.  The really wierd thing is she acted like she was 4 weeks old.  The only sound she made was a cooing sound.  The only person who thought this was strange was me.  After they left I tried convicing my mother that something was really wrong.  Ever seen the movie "Jack" with RObin Williams about the kid who had a genetic disease that made him grow old at a rapid pace and die at an early age?  That's what it reminded me of.  I woke up in the middle of trying to convince my mom that something was terribly wrong.

Gotta love my dreams...

Lazy Bum

Exactly what the title suggests, I have been a lazy bum.  I've been up to things, but for the most part I haven't.  At least nothing that would have kept me from writing down what's been going on in my life.  Several things have happened this past month.  The birth of my niece for example.  Oh she's such the cutest thing.  I want to die of cuteness everytime I'm around her. 

The World Cup started this month and I'm uber addicted to watching it.  If anyone would have told me that Spain and the Netherlands would battle it out in the final, I would have laughed at them.  I was pleasantly surprised that the USA won their group to advance and was very happy for us.  Germany broke my heart in that semi-final match against Spain.  Germany was the better team, but they played like shit against Spain.  They had no rhythm with each other and Spain looked like they just wanted it more.  By the time the Germany players got in sync with each other, it was too late.  Spain had their number and once they scored, only had to play defense to keep Germany from scoring. For the final though, I will be cheering on Netherlands for the win.  They came out of left field this tournament and have been upsetting some major teams, including Brazil.  Whatever the outcome, it's sure to be a good match because this World Cup will have a brand new champion!

Working at the Dream Factory has been quite an experience.  I do like working there because they hours they give me are amazing.  According to other people it's not that many, but to me it's a lot because my last job only gave me 4.5 hours a week for several months.  So if the least I get is 16 hours a week, I'm perfectly fine with that.  

My summer soccer season began this month as well.  Sadly I've only gotten to play two of the games out of five now I think.  Luckily this Saturday I'll be able to play once again.  And only one more game after that until playoffs.  Every team is garunteed at least one playoff game, which is kind of nice.  My team this year though.. I don't like them very much.  They are only about 5-6 players I like.  Everyone else has a shitty attitude and wants to play dirty.  There's a big difference between playing hard and with passion than playing dirty.  

Summer classes have also started this month.  I'm taking two classes.  One is Individual and Family Development and the other is Music in Film.  Both are interesting classes.  Whole 16 week semester's worth on knowledged crammed into six wonderful weeks during the summer. Should be fun!

Did I cover everything? I think so. Off to the Griffith Park night hike. Lots of fun!

I Hate My Dreams

Always with the dreams..

I’m in my house.  I’m with my brother and I have a sister.  It’s in the middle of the day.  We’re sitting at the dining room table eating.  Mom and Dad are in the kitchen cooking.  My brother and I start seeing cats outside the window.  Only now we’re outside the window but still at the dining table.  My sister notices that the cats are increasingly being hurt.  Small cuts and nicks we see as the walk by us, as we flick back and forth with the dining table.  Inside the house, now outside.  Every time we see a new cat, we change location.  Now we start to see larger cats, the jungle kind.  These cats have larger wounds, more dire.  Outside.  One cat passes by and now we start to become freaked out.  My sister starts crying.  The cat looks as if it got caught in some large machinery.  There are patches of skin missing, you can see right through the skin to the muscle, no blood in between.  Muscle glistens in the now darkening sky.  Inside.  My sister is paralyzed with fear.  I scream to my Mom and Dad.  Mom’s at the back door, taking pictures of the cats to send to the police and animal control.  They start to pile around the back door.  I tell my Mom to close the door so they won’t come crashing through the screen door.  She closes it.  More cats we see outside the window.  No longer are we changing location.  I’m holding onto my brother.  I’m shaking.  It’s night outside.  The dream begins to change.

My brother is now sitting on the couch.  Mom and Dad have disappeared.  I walk to my room.  Something is in my room.  I walk inside but my room is different.  My room has the space and feel of a scientist’s lab.  I walk back out to the living room where my brother is on the couch and I see a person in pain.  I go to him to see what’s wrong and stop in my tracks.  Parts of him are disintegrating.  I scream.  Running to my room and the man responsible is there.  (Think of the mad scientist in The Re-animator.)  He sticks a syringe full of liquid in this woman.  This is the one, surely this one will finally take it and change it.  I can tell what he’s thinking, feeling.  He lets her loose.  She runs out of my room into the rest of the house.  I follow.  At first everything seems normal.  Then she starts to whimper.  I go to her, ask if she’s alright.  She turns to me, a look of terror on her face.  She holds her left arm out to me and shrieks.  From the elbow to the wrist, her arm is shriveling up and disappearing.  She’s not in any pain though.  I know this.  The serum causes no pain.  She keeps screaming nonstop until that part of her arm is completely gone.  Once it was no longer there, she collapsed and died.  Backing away slowly, I turn back to go to my room.  Somehow I know that man is still there.  He’s watching everything that’s happening.  Another failure.  I want the other one, need to catch her.  SHE is the one who I’m waiting for.  I’m quivering as I walk slowly back to my room, hoping he won’t see me, but he will.  His thoughts are in my head.  They flitter in and out.  Want her.  Need her.  I peek my head around the corner of my door and he grabs me.  I cry out to anyone, but no one is in the house anymore.  I’m pulled and thrown into my room.  I smack my back against the far wall.  The man comes towards me, speaking of how I have finally come.  Some sort of destiny. 

Screw that. 

All I know is I want away from this man and his deranged thoughts.  He sees it in my eyes and now a seed of doubt is born in his mind.  She may be the key, but everything must go according to my plan.  Don’t mess this up.  The last startled me, but he was closer.  Damn it, when I hear his thoughts I lose time.  I can’t afford to.  He’s speaking to me but I’m not listening.  I look for a way out.  Once the man is close enough I kick the syringe out of his hand and bolt for the door.  He grabs me by the hair as I pass by and throws me against some of the tables, knocking down whatever experiments are on the table.  It knocks the breath out of me and I see him walking towards another table.  Oh my God, the amount of syringes on the table is astounding!  I gather what wits I have left and sprint to that table, grab a syringe and dash out the door.  The man tries to grab me again but he barely misses.  I’m running through the living room, the man behind me.  He chases me through the kitchen and back to the living room.  So many times he almost sinks that needle into my skin.  I’m running on pure adrenaline.  I NEED HER.  His resolve is terrifying.  I run back to my room and manage to get the door closed right before he hits the door with his full body.  The door shakes.  I barely am able to hold it closed.  Please, please don’t let this man get through.  The door is caught in a battle of strength and will.  I have the will to keep it closed, but the man behind the door is much stronger than me.  His leg gets through and I stick him with the syringe I stole and push down.  He wails in pain.  No no!  This can’t be happening, she’s ruining everything!  He’s already in the room.  Shit, more time lost.  I’m on the other side of the room.  I look at him.  He is monstrous.  There is nothing human about him any longer.  He raises his face to the sky and howls.  He looks back at me with such loathing it roots me on the spot…

And I wake up.

Lemonade

It’s been really boring at home lately.  Stuck indoors with nothing to do, only there are things I can do, just nothing entertaining.  I was watching more Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes when I had an idea – I should make some lemonade!  Very random I know, but when I’m bored I tend to have extremely random thoughts that would catch my fancy and do them to entertain myself.  We have a dwarf lemon tree in the front yard that is over-flowing with lemons.  So I decided to surf the web for some lemonade recipes.  When attempting to make lemonade in the past, it never came out right.  I think I found something that makes sense as to why that is.  When adding the sugar to lemonade, I usually add it as is – granulated sugar.  That makes it sink to the bottom of lemonade concoction, not making it taste as lemonade should.  Let’s see, the ingredients are lemonade, water, and sugar.  Should seem very simple.  One recipe made sense, use the sugar and water to make simple syrup.  Of course!  That will make the sugar dispersed throughout the entire lemonade, making it just as sweet as lemonade should be.

So I tried it.  It works perfectly.  I used a little more lemon juice to give a small biting after taste and, oh, it’s delicious!  I think next week I’ll start on weeding the backyard for a garden I’m forbidden to plant, but it will keep me occupied and outdoors.  Outdoors being the most important part of the equation.  I’ve been cooped up at home since Spring classes are over.  Slightly going out of my mind from boredom.

Emotional Outburst

I am so angry and frustrated.  I fucked up with school, I know that.  I’m dealing with the consequences.  But stop making me into your fucking house maid just because I messed up!  You’ve done this my whole life, and why do I take it still?  Because I have nowhere else to live, that’s why.  That’s the only reason.  I love you, but you still don’t treat me as an adult.  Dad does, somewhat.  Why can’t you?  You piss me off.  But oh, I can’t say anything back.  No, no.  That’s just wrong.  I’d be an ungrateful wretch who just lives at home for free and likes to disappoint her parents, right? 

So angry and I feel like crying.  Crying because it’s my fault.  I admitted my mistake, why can’t you just accept that?  It’s not like my mistake isn’t fixable!  I’m on the right track to do so.  Do I have to put up with your controlling bullshit?  I cry because you don’t see me.