Is There A Reset Button?

It's been well over a month since I last wrote. Shame on me, but what can you do? It restarts now.

I've had friend issues, but those are being resolved. I worry a little too much sometimes, but how can you not worry about those that you love? I just need to learn to be patient. I've often been told that I have pateince that no one could possess, but when it comes to knowing things about those I love, I'm so freaking impatient that I worry myself into a tizzy. But, I love them and that's all that matters in the end. They'll come to me when they're ready about whatever is on their mind, and that's pretty much what's happened. I'm just glad that I could connect with two great friends towards the end of a year in which I have gone through a roller coaster of emotional turmoil and happiness. It's been one hell of a ride and it isn't over.

I've gotten much acclaim from my managers and crew at work. I've been taught more and slowly given more responsibility. Recently I've been moved into the crew scheduling team at work. Hopefully I can help out. Learning more about the business, I realized how screwed up the business really is. Honestly, there are times where I know we are understaffed, but if the crew would just pick up the pace and band together, we could get through the hard times that are coming up. If the past is any indicator, we CAN do it. The crew just doesn't want to. They would rather moan and complain than just suck it up and do the best they can. I've seen what happens when everyone steps up and does what they're supposed to do. It truly is amazing, but sadly it is a rare occurrence.

Oh well. Is what it is.

Many things are happening right now. Whether they play out for good or for ill, only time will tell. At least I have the love and support of those around me. Even if the worst should happen in my situation, I have the constant reassurance that things will turn out right in the end, however bleak it may look at this moment.

Work, School, Friends, Halloween and probably some other things

Lots of things are going on all at once and I am tired.

Scared Silence

I spent the evening with Bear drinking cocoa, listening to Muse, reading, and cuddling. It was an amazing night even though not much was done. Sometimes you just need one of those times, and I look forward to many more of those nights ahead. Relaxing and self realizations. Amazing.

Amazing is a word that Bear and I use to describe each other. We argue playfully that the other is the amazing person, not believing it in ourselves. At least I don't. I think Bear does, but for the reason that "you're worth being amazing for". I can't help but smile every single time he says that. I'm amazing so that he has to be amazing for me. Or is it that he's amazing and I just want to do what I can to help him continue to be amazing? Who knows. But tonight I came across and sudden realization of part of the reason Bear is an amazing person, but for some reason I couldn't voice it. Am I still afraid of opening up? I love Bear, completely. But if I do, why am I afraid?

Rejection maybe? If he were to reject me he would have done so already, if not when we first met.

So why am I afraid? Why am I nervous? What makes it so difficult to open this part of me up to him?

So here's the low down - in my past relationships (a grand total of four, including Bear) two of them have cheated on me and the other just lost interest in me romantically. I haven't had the best luck in matters of the heart. How do I explain to him that after true heartbreak, after bad experiences, I came to know that love, true feelings of love, do in fact exist? I have the perfect model of what love is, my parents. Married 27 years, together for 30, and still in love to this day as much as they were back when they first met. It's not perfect, but nothing is. They have their disagreements, but in the end they love each other and they work things out. There isn't anything in this world that they cannot handle if they are together.

Anyway..

I so wnted to tell him why he is amazing to me tonight. I wanted to tell him that he has made me believe that trust, true feelings of love, and honesty do exist. I noticed that i listed those in order of what was broken in me in my relationships past. Trust was broken when the guy whom I lost my virginity to cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend. Love was shattered when the guy I dated for 2.5 years cheated on me. I was led to believe we would get married one day. Long story. Honesty was thrown out the window when a guy had me believing that our relationship was just fine when in fact he had lost interest in me 2 months before it ended. My dog had died, my brother was married, Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed, but I knew something was wrong and if I mentioned something like that to him, he would reassure that things were great and we would go out and have good times, laughing all the while. How was I to know? Guess I'm just gullible.

Bear though.. he's amazing because he has shown me that trust, love, and honesty exist. I didn't think that I would believe in those in anymore, but I do. We look at each other and I see in his eyes my future.. full of hope, trust, love, and laughter.

But how do I say that?

Gloomy Weather Makes a Happy Bubbles

Having rain at this time in the year is strange. Normally it's blasting winds combined with unnatural heat, creating the lovely southern California fire season. At the moment it's overcast, misting now and again, and cold. Oh, how this weather makes me happy! I can wear my collection of spiffy scarves. I can wear jackets without sweating my ass off. I can wear gloves with funky print and still be considered normal. Hot chocolate will be drank by the gallons and spiked every now and then (trust me, it's delicious). Days like this are treasured by me and those weird enough to be like me. I was one of those kids who people warned about being in the rain too long would make you sick. Hah! I rarely got sick because of that. I only ever get sick if the weather changes too quickly for my body to adjust.

A warm bed, a cuddling partner, some music, hot chocolate, and a good book is all I'm looking to get out of today.

I'm still stuck on Starlight.. *sings in a loud off-key voice*

:D

More Friendship Troubles

I have been feeling lately that something was getting in between Boots and myself. I've been trying to find a time to see her and I know she has tried the same with me, but lately our schedules or previous plans get in the way. Pretty much ever since her birthday and us seeing Muse in concert, we haven't had much time to hang out. It's been three weeks since then. I miss her. She's my best friend. We can talk about anything, share secrets, gossip, and generally have a good time with each other.

Just lately it's been.. distant. And I know I've felt it.

I was texting with her last night and today trying to see if she could come to a board game night I'e orchestrated with Bear. There's going to be lots of family and friends there, more than I had anticipated. That's thanks to Bear. It's sure to be a memorable night. Just wish I wasn't waiting on my camera being shipped for repair right now.

I found out this morning that she can't go because she had to stay home with her younger brother and sister for the night. With the way I had been feeling and the way she worded her response, I knew something was wrong. I asked her if she was mad at me, for whatever reason. If I was wrong I wanted her to tell me. She didn't reply for about two hours, but she was at work so I didn't expect her to answer right away. When she did reply. she said that she was annoyed with me, but didn't say for what reason, so I told her to text me later if she wanted to talk about it.

Generally I'm a nice and happy person. I try my best for my friends and family. Sometimes I try my best for myself. But it seems like it's never enough and I just can't do anything right.

Once again, for the umpteenth time this year, I feel inadequate.

Losing one friend who is like a sister to me is one time too many in a lifetime, I don't think I can handle another one.

Friend

I have a friend who's going through a tough time and it makes me sad that I can't do much to help. He lives clear across the country, but he's been one of my good friends for nearly two years now. I know that this time of year is very hard for him. Holiday season. I don't think holiday season is really fun for anyone. The idea of holiday season is in a way romantic... maybe that isn't the correct word, but it's the closest I could come up with. You get to see those dearest to you and celebrate just knowing them, being with the people who make you laugh, cry, and everything in between.

Anyway.. I feel as if I can't do anything to help my friend. I want to be there and listen, but I'm busy as I know he is as well. Should that really get in my way though? I don't think it matters that I'm busy, friends find the time to talk, to help each other out. I should be putting more effort into the friendship. I just hope he knows that I still consider him one of my best friends.

What can I do to show him that I still care, even when we don't talk?

Song Obsession

You know there are those songs that you hear on the radio (if you listen to it) and you love the beat, the sound of the singer and the pace of the lyrics. Couple of weeks ago I saw Muse with my friends. I knew their music, but as to the name of the songs and what exactly the lyrics were, I had no clue. I caught on here and there and from what I could decipher, I enjoyed it very much. I wanted to get their cd's so I could listen to more of them and get acquainted with all of their songs, as well as learn the names of the songs. One song I love (partly due to the performance I saw live and who I was with at the time) is Starlight. I knew some of the lyrics, but before getting those cd's (a big shout out to Trixie for sending them to me) I didn't know all the lyrics to the song. Now that I do, I'm even more in love with the song and will continue to blast it until I get tired of it.

Since that is a rare occurrence with songs I love, the people around me will just have to endure.

Here are the lyrics for Starlight in case you are unfamiliar with them:

"Starlight"

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

Don't you just want to cuddle up with someone while that's playing? Or, if you're like me, blast it until everyone in the surrounding county can hear it while you sing along in a loud obnoxious voice until it ends.. and then you hit replay.