The John Hughes Way

I was born in the late 80's, two years away from being a 90's baby. Not that it would have really made much a difference. Or maybe it would have, who knows. I grew up on classic rock, jazz, and classical music, all of which are really interconnected. My favorite band is Pink Floyd, I love loud music, and 80's movies are really my favorite type of movies, especially John Hughes movies. Seriously, who hasn't seen The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, or even Sixteen Candles? His movies really got to the center of some serious adolescent problems. He didn't just make fun of them, which is definitely one way to go about growing up a young person in society. Laughing things off, ignoring the stupidity of others.. sometimes those techniques in life just don't work. His films really delved into the mind of how we work when we're trying to find our place in our life. he sad thing is no one will ever know until one day that place slaps you right in the face and says, "Here you are! Enjoy!" But.. does tht really ever happen? To some people it does, and they are the very lucky few. The rest of us are just trying to find some niche in life where we can be ourselves.

Anyway, my point is, some o my favorite movies of all time are from John Hughes.

For those of you who are from a younger generation than I am, which isn't saying much, I'm barely into my 20's, there is a new movie that really pays homage to John Hughes and his movie style. It came out this past summer. It's called Easy A. Emma Stone is the star of the film and I will say, she's quickly becoming one of my favorite talents on screen.

Easy A is a really amusing and amazing movie about life in high school, which again, is in fashionable John Hughes style. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it to everyone who has ever seen a John Hughes film and who desperately needs to be introduced to them. In my opinion, you'll be a better person for it. Become a part of the Brat Pack. Learn a little about life, real life. Although his movies do have happily ever afters, which doesn't always happen, they do teach us about the hardships of life. If you can't find what he's trying to say, you aren't open enough or being honest with yourself.

On a different note, I have New Years Eve and New Years Day off.. ooooooooh what shall I do?! Boots is going with her girls to a fantabulous club where you pay a ridiculous (though not so when you think about drink costs) amount of money to get in and for free drinks. My other best girl friend, let's call her Domogirl, has already flown to Canada to hang with a bunch of people she met at Blizzcon. Bear says he wants to kiss me at midnight, which I agree to of course. I've told him this and it was a realization for me when I did.. I've never been kissed at midnight on New Years before. It sort of blew my mind when I realized that, because I've been with guys on New Years who were at the time my boyfriend and I've never been kissed at that time. Maybe that's why it's never worked out.. Oh well, life goes on.

Oh man, do I ramble or what? Must get ready for work now. Tonight I work the Host stand in our Cafe. I did it the day after Christmas, boy was that a mess. My coworker said I actually did well for it being my first time, but I think otherwise. I feel like I barely survived. It was kind of nice because I was tipped out by the servers at the end of my shift, which I feel is a little unfair since I didn't you know.. SERVE any one, but that is apparently the way it's working now in the Cafe. It's nice, but like I said, I do't think it's fair. Bear said it made sense, since the dining experience begins with the Host, but I'm not really doing anything except keeping the rotation going. Oh well, must just be a mental block.

Speaking of mental blocks, the other night I was at dinner with Bear and Dreamer, and somehow we got onto the subject of how eating fish and sushi is ok, but eating things like duck liver, dolphin, quail, and other out of the ordinary animals is not. Why? We're all a part of the food chain. Maybe I'm just weird like that. I don't see where the line is drawn. It reminded me of an discussion Ber, myself, and a few others got into at a party about why a man shouldn't hit a woman. It truly baffles me.

Holidays

I've always liked the holidays. People laughing, smiling. The twinkling lights of decorated trees and houses. The smell of fresh baked goods. It all gives me a warm feeling inside that is incomparable to anything other than love. I have the greatest example of love in the world, my parents. High school sweethearts, married for 27 years, together for 30. The thought of it makes me smile.

This year for the holidays I'm going to experience something new. My brother is married and out of the house we both grew up in. My grandmother has moved out of the state. My other grandparents have moved two states away. I'm working a job where I'm going to have to work Christmas Eve and Day. Normally, Christmas Day is spent waking up and making coffee (though not for me, I despise coffee), watching a random Christmas movie, and opening gifts given to me by loved ones. Then it's off the Grandma's house for more gifts and food that any Italian restaurant would be jealous of. This year.. this year is going to be a little different.

My brother is spending the holidays with his in-laws. My Mom and Dad are going to visit my Mom's parents on Christmas Eve and then drive to my Grandmother's (who is my Dad's mom) for Christmas Day and taking the dogs with them. I will be left alone, with a beautiful tree that Bear, my Mom, and myself decorated. Wrapped gifts will shimmer under the tree lights. I'll wake up to an empty house, shower, eat, and get ready for work. I'll work and come home, exhausted. What to do when I do come home? Only the day will tell.

New experiences are always around the corner. I just hope I'm ready for them.

Is There A Reset Button?

It's been well over a month since I last wrote. Shame on me, but what can you do? It restarts now.

I've had friend issues, but those are being resolved. I worry a little too much sometimes, but how can you not worry about those that you love? I just need to learn to be patient. I've often been told that I have pateince that no one could possess, but when it comes to knowing things about those I love, I'm so freaking impatient that I worry myself into a tizzy. But, I love them and that's all that matters in the end. They'll come to me when they're ready about whatever is on their mind, and that's pretty much what's happened. I'm just glad that I could connect with two great friends towards the end of a year in which I have gone through a roller coaster of emotional turmoil and happiness. It's been one hell of a ride and it isn't over.

I've gotten much acclaim from my managers and crew at work. I've been taught more and slowly given more responsibility. Recently I've been moved into the crew scheduling team at work. Hopefully I can help out. Learning more about the business, I realized how screwed up the business really is. Honestly, there are times where I know we are understaffed, but if the crew would just pick up the pace and band together, we could get through the hard times that are coming up. If the past is any indicator, we CAN do it. The crew just doesn't want to. They would rather moan and complain than just suck it up and do the best they can. I've seen what happens when everyone steps up and does what they're supposed to do. It truly is amazing, but sadly it is a rare occurrence.

Oh well. Is what it is.

Many things are happening right now. Whether they play out for good or for ill, only time will tell. At least I have the love and support of those around me. Even if the worst should happen in my situation, I have the constant reassurance that things will turn out right in the end, however bleak it may look at this moment.

Work, School, Friends, Halloween and probably some other things

Lots of things are going on all at once and I am tired.

Scared Silence

I spent the evening with Bear drinking cocoa, listening to Muse, reading, and cuddling. It was an amazing night even though not much was done. Sometimes you just need one of those times, and I look forward to many more of those nights ahead. Relaxing and self realizations. Amazing.

Amazing is a word that Bear and I use to describe each other. We argue playfully that the other is the amazing person, not believing it in ourselves. At least I don't. I think Bear does, but for the reason that "you're worth being amazing for". I can't help but smile every single time he says that. I'm amazing so that he has to be amazing for me. Or is it that he's amazing and I just want to do what I can to help him continue to be amazing? Who knows. But tonight I came across and sudden realization of part of the reason Bear is an amazing person, but for some reason I couldn't voice it. Am I still afraid of opening up? I love Bear, completely. But if I do, why am I afraid?

Rejection maybe? If he were to reject me he would have done so already, if not when we first met.

So why am I afraid? Why am I nervous? What makes it so difficult to open this part of me up to him?

So here's the low down - in my past relationships (a grand total of four, including Bear) two of them have cheated on me and the other just lost interest in me romantically. I haven't had the best luck in matters of the heart. How do I explain to him that after true heartbreak, after bad experiences, I came to know that love, true feelings of love, do in fact exist? I have the perfect model of what love is, my parents. Married 27 years, together for 30, and still in love to this day as much as they were back when they first met. It's not perfect, but nothing is. They have their disagreements, but in the end they love each other and they work things out. There isn't anything in this world that they cannot handle if they are together.

Anyway..

I so wnted to tell him why he is amazing to me tonight. I wanted to tell him that he has made me believe that trust, true feelings of love, and honesty do exist. I noticed that i listed those in order of what was broken in me in my relationships past. Trust was broken when the guy whom I lost my virginity to cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend. Love was shattered when the guy I dated for 2.5 years cheated on me. I was led to believe we would get married one day. Long story. Honesty was thrown out the window when a guy had me believing that our relationship was just fine when in fact he had lost interest in me 2 months before it ended. My dog had died, my brother was married, Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed, but I knew something was wrong and if I mentioned something like that to him, he would reassure that things were great and we would go out and have good times, laughing all the while. How was I to know? Guess I'm just gullible.

Bear though.. he's amazing because he has shown me that trust, love, and honesty exist. I didn't think that I would believe in those in anymore, but I do. We look at each other and I see in his eyes my future.. full of hope, trust, love, and laughter.

But how do I say that?

Gloomy Weather Makes a Happy Bubbles

Having rain at this time in the year is strange. Normally it's blasting winds combined with unnatural heat, creating the lovely southern California fire season. At the moment it's overcast, misting now and again, and cold. Oh, how this weather makes me happy! I can wear my collection of spiffy scarves. I can wear jackets without sweating my ass off. I can wear gloves with funky print and still be considered normal. Hot chocolate will be drank by the gallons and spiked every now and then (trust me, it's delicious). Days like this are treasured by me and those weird enough to be like me. I was one of those kids who people warned about being in the rain too long would make you sick. Hah! I rarely got sick because of that. I only ever get sick if the weather changes too quickly for my body to adjust.

A warm bed, a cuddling partner, some music, hot chocolate, and a good book is all I'm looking to get out of today.

I'm still stuck on Starlight.. *sings in a loud off-key voice*

:D

More Friendship Troubles

I have been feeling lately that something was getting in between Boots and myself. I've been trying to find a time to see her and I know she has tried the same with me, but lately our schedules or previous plans get in the way. Pretty much ever since her birthday and us seeing Muse in concert, we haven't had much time to hang out. It's been three weeks since then. I miss her. She's my best friend. We can talk about anything, share secrets, gossip, and generally have a good time with each other.

Just lately it's been.. distant. And I know I've felt it.

I was texting with her last night and today trying to see if she could come to a board game night I'e orchestrated with Bear. There's going to be lots of family and friends there, more than I had anticipated. That's thanks to Bear. It's sure to be a memorable night. Just wish I wasn't waiting on my camera being shipped for repair right now.

I found out this morning that she can't go because she had to stay home with her younger brother and sister for the night. With the way I had been feeling and the way she worded her response, I knew something was wrong. I asked her if she was mad at me, for whatever reason. If I was wrong I wanted her to tell me. She didn't reply for about two hours, but she was at work so I didn't expect her to answer right away. When she did reply. she said that she was annoyed with me, but didn't say for what reason, so I told her to text me later if she wanted to talk about it.

Generally I'm a nice and happy person. I try my best for my friends and family. Sometimes I try my best for myself. But it seems like it's never enough and I just can't do anything right.

Once again, for the umpteenth time this year, I feel inadequate.

Losing one friend who is like a sister to me is one time too many in a lifetime, I don't think I can handle another one.