Rammstein Painting

Rammstein logo I painted. Done free hand and only the third painting I've ever done.

Do Over

I need a do over. Restart. Is there a restart button? Or maybe I can power off, wait 10 seconds and start fresh. It's becoming a little too much to handle. I'm starting to breakdown a little bit. I should be doing everything, but I want to do nothing. I just want to live.

And this isn't living.

Let It Out

Bear just left my house. I had asked him to come over after work, which means he showed up at my house about 10:20pm. It's amazing how wonderful he is. I've been so worked up about school and how I need to tell my parental units about it, that I can't do it anymore. I've gotten myself so worked up I'm hitting a breaking point and I needed to tell some one. That someone always turns out to be Bear. He's so supportive and understanding, I'm not entirely sure that I could have gotten through some of the events in the past year without his help. Without him being there.

Me being sappy again. Yipe.

Anyway, he came over and said hi to my Mom and doggies. This was the first time that he's been able to see them since they came back from visiting my Grandma in Arizona. I grabbed a glass of water and we went to my room so that I could talk to him. I didn't want my Mom to hear any of it until I'm ready to tell both her and my Dad about the whole situation. So, I let it all out. How afraid I am, how unsure everything feels. I don't know how my parents will react. I don't exactly know how I will react when I tell them. I've wasted so much time and so much of their money that I get depressed thinking about it. I am depressed thinking about it, or at least I was until I told Bear everything. He know just how to reassure me whenever I feel my worst.

"I'm still not going anywhere hun."

"I'm not worried about you."

"Whatever you decide, I'll be right behind you."

"Sometimes you just need a good cry."

"Whatever happens, you have people around you who love and want you to be happy."

These are just a few of the things he says to me. I cried my frustrations and sadness, I cried out of happiness and from the love I felt. He held me, just like I needed him to. We laid on my bed and cuddled, talked about random things that came up. Talked about his day at work. Talked about my situation a little more. Talked about the great night we spent at his aunt and uncle's place yesterday. Relaxed and snuggled for a few. No talking this time, just relaxing and being wrapped in his arms. The comfort I had was astounding. He left a little after that. Had to go home and eat and sleep. Normally I try and keep him at my place for as long as possible, but he had had a long day and needed to go. I was just happy he came over and gave me the chance to talk to him about my inner turmoil.

I've never had that before. A caring boyfriend, what a novel idea. But, he is and I'm eternally grateful to have him in my life.

Thoughts, Vol. ?

I'm fighting back lots of different emotions right now. Most of them dealing with a root of sadness. It's been there, for weeks on end. I'm coming to a point where I have to deal with why I have these feelings. I'm just scared to. It means talking with the parental units. I don't know how they'll take to my news. No, I'm not pregnant. Though, it does deal with my future. Future education that is. I've written about it before, but it goes a little deeper than what I've let on. I have a major distaste for the formal education I've been exposed to for the past four years. Everything is about making sure that you graduate, not for the reason that you have learned what you've come to learn and are ready for working in the world. No, who would ever want that?

No, they want you to graduate strictly for the fact that they need to make room for new students. This means passing classes with no less than a C average, which means that you really haven't learned much at all in the class. You can sort of talk about the subject that you've taken two or three times. You can graduate with a D in a class if it's not required in your major, the units still count towards the allotted amount you need. It's not about learning anymore, it's a damn factory line and they aren't producing anything good anymore.

It's depressing.

I think I'd need something, some outlet. I'm trying some more creative stuff, I'm hoping that will help. The focus it takes to do some of those more creative projects is ideal for peace of mind.

I need some peace of mind.

The Puzzle

I've been having problems staying motivated to do well in college for a bit. Well, more than a bit. I'd say for about the past two years. Or even longer, I'm not entirely sure. I've voiced it to Bear, the fact that I'm not motivated enough. He knows I'm smart, I know I am too. So.. why can't I just do well? That's the question right there. One I've been trying to answer for about a year now.

I was talking with Bear last night and I think I've finally hit answer in the face - I'm going to college for others, not myself. I'm trying to live up to others expectations and it's gotten me nowhere. The only time I've done well in school is when I was playing soccer at the same time. I had a blast during those days. Soccer practice three days a week, games two days a week, exhaustion and a clear mind while doing homework. Music playing in the background while the busy work from school got done. Late nights staying up, satisfied by finishing a project or paper. Reading before class lectures so I would know what the heck was going on. Participating in class discussions. I used to do it all. Now, I don't want to do it anymore. I want my life to move forward, not be stuck in classroom after classroom listening to teachers who don't want to teach. Listening to other students ask the most ridiculous questions. Writing papers, solving problems, doing projects.

I'm tired of it all.

I need to find something, an outlet for my frustration. I've been trying some creative stuff lately. I've gotten a little into painting. I have two small tomato plants growing in the backyard. I've been doing this writing thing for over a year now. The things that make me feel sane are having a job and Bear. I like my job, I really do. As I may have mentioned in past blogs, or maybe not, I'm never really sure anymore, I want to do something in the realm of services. Whether it be teaching, still working at the theaters, owning my own shop, or maybe even writing novels, I want to do something that will give a little happiness to others. Bear.. he's something so special I can't describe it. He's supported me through so much mental drama of my own. I'm so madly in love with him I don't know how I would have gotten through some of the times he's helped me with. We keep growing closer together by the day. The night I met him I felt an amazing connection that I had never felt in my life. Times with him have only gotten better since.

I once created a small line of teddy bears. I had the drawings and everything laid out. They were death bears. Simple idea: think of ways to die and create a bear depicting that death. They were fun to draw. I've never made them though. I know there are death dolls out there, wish I had known about those years earlier, I want them! They're so cute! If you've never seen them, here's an example: http://crackedreality.com/inferno.html

Anyway, that's all I have on my mind at the moment. Oh. Bear spent the night again last night. It was perfect.

Childish?

I'm feeling childish. I got a text from Bear saying he was going with Tallboy to see Thor. I got the text at the minute my shift ended. It made me annoyed. Him and his bff went to see Thor without me. More to the point, Bear went without me. Like I don't want to see one of the biggest early summer blockbusters? It JUST came out this weekend! I can take all my friends to see it for free, yet they went to see it without me. This is so stupid. Why is this bothering me so much?

I was talking to Orchy a little bit ago. I think I just miss Bear. My parentals are out of town for a few days and he slept over last night. I feel asleep in his arms and woke up that way. It felt so amazing I have no words for it. And I want it again. Again and again.

I'm home alone. No dogs to cuddle with. No one to snuggle with. No one to talk to. Alone.

Orchy said what was the point of being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes? I don't have an answer to that. Not sure if anyone does, or ever will.

Apologies

I know it has been weeks since my last entry and I do apologize to anyone who does read this crap and to myself, cause I feel guilty about not writing. Those of you who do know me know that I do love writing. I do have several things I must touch upon when I do sit down and log my life into a computer screen. First off, I went to the Renaissance Faire. Let's see.. there's also the Six Flags trip and a few other things I could probably come up with. In the meantime, have a great weekend all! And Happy Mother's Day

:)