Scared Silence

I spent the evening with Bear drinking cocoa, listening to Muse, reading, and cuddling. It was an amazing night even though not much was done. Sometimes you just need one of those times, and I look forward to many more of those nights ahead. Relaxing and self realizations. Amazing.

Amazing is a word that Bear and I use to describe each other. We argue playfully that the other is the amazing person, not believing it in ourselves. At least I don't. I think Bear does, but for the reason that "you're worth being amazing for". I can't help but smile every single time he says that. I'm amazing so that he has to be amazing for me. Or is it that he's amazing and I just want to do what I can to help him continue to be amazing? Who knows. But tonight I came across and sudden realization of part of the reason Bear is an amazing person, but for some reason I couldn't voice it. Am I still afraid of opening up? I love Bear, completely. But if I do, why am I afraid?

Rejection maybe? If he were to reject me he would have done so already, if not when we first met.

So why am I afraid? Why am I nervous? What makes it so difficult to open this part of me up to him?

So here's the low down - in my past relationships (a grand total of four, including Bear) two of them have cheated on me and the other just lost interest in me romantically. I haven't had the best luck in matters of the heart. How do I explain to him that after true heartbreak, after bad experiences, I came to know that love, true feelings of love, do in fact exist? I have the perfect model of what love is, my parents. Married 27 years, together for 30, and still in love to this day as much as they were back when they first met. It's not perfect, but nothing is. They have their disagreements, but in the end they love each other and they work things out. There isn't anything in this world that they cannot handle if they are together.

Anyway..

I so wnted to tell him why he is amazing to me tonight. I wanted to tell him that he has made me believe that trust, true feelings of love, and honesty do exist. I noticed that i listed those in order of what was broken in me in my relationships past. Trust was broken when the guy whom I lost my virginity to cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend. Love was shattered when the guy I dated for 2.5 years cheated on me. I was led to believe we would get married one day. Long story. Honesty was thrown out the window when a guy had me believing that our relationship was just fine when in fact he had lost interest in me 2 months before it ended. My dog had died, my brother was married, Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed, but I knew something was wrong and if I mentioned something like that to him, he would reassure that things were great and we would go out and have good times, laughing all the while. How was I to know? Guess I'm just gullible.

Bear though.. he's amazing because he has shown me that trust, love, and honesty exist. I didn't think that I would believe in those in anymore, but I do. We look at each other and I see in his eyes my future.. full of hope, trust, love, and laughter.

But how do I say that?

Gloomy Weather Makes a Happy Bubbles

Having rain at this time in the year is strange. Normally it's blasting winds combined with unnatural heat, creating the lovely southern California fire season. At the moment it's overcast, misting now and again, and cold. Oh, how this weather makes me happy! I can wear my collection of spiffy scarves. I can wear jackets without sweating my ass off. I can wear gloves with funky print and still be considered normal. Hot chocolate will be drank by the gallons and spiked every now and then (trust me, it's delicious). Days like this are treasured by me and those weird enough to be like me. I was one of those kids who people warned about being in the rain too long would make you sick. Hah! I rarely got sick because of that. I only ever get sick if the weather changes too quickly for my body to adjust.

A warm bed, a cuddling partner, some music, hot chocolate, and a good book is all I'm looking to get out of today.

I'm still stuck on Starlight.. *sings in a loud off-key voice*

:D

More Friendship Troubles

I have been feeling lately that something was getting in between Boots and myself. I've been trying to find a time to see her and I know she has tried the same with me, but lately our schedules or previous plans get in the way. Pretty much ever since her birthday and us seeing Muse in concert, we haven't had much time to hang out. It's been three weeks since then. I miss her. She's my best friend. We can talk about anything, share secrets, gossip, and generally have a good time with each other.

Just lately it's been.. distant. And I know I've felt it.

I was texting with her last night and today trying to see if she could come to a board game night I'e orchestrated with Bear. There's going to be lots of family and friends there, more than I had anticipated. That's thanks to Bear. It's sure to be a memorable night. Just wish I wasn't waiting on my camera being shipped for repair right now.

I found out this morning that she can't go because she had to stay home with her younger brother and sister for the night. With the way I had been feeling and the way she worded her response, I knew something was wrong. I asked her if she was mad at me, for whatever reason. If I was wrong I wanted her to tell me. She didn't reply for about two hours, but she was at work so I didn't expect her to answer right away. When she did reply. she said that she was annoyed with me, but didn't say for what reason, so I told her to text me later if she wanted to talk about it.

Generally I'm a nice and happy person. I try my best for my friends and family. Sometimes I try my best for myself. But it seems like it's never enough and I just can't do anything right.

Once again, for the umpteenth time this year, I feel inadequate.

Losing one friend who is like a sister to me is one time too many in a lifetime, I don't think I can handle another one.

Friend

I have a friend who's going through a tough time and it makes me sad that I can't do much to help. He lives clear across the country, but he's been one of my good friends for nearly two years now. I know that this time of year is very hard for him. Holiday season. I don't think holiday season is really fun for anyone. The idea of holiday season is in a way romantic... maybe that isn't the correct word, but it's the closest I could come up with. You get to see those dearest to you and celebrate just knowing them, being with the people who make you laugh, cry, and everything in between.

Anyway.. I feel as if I can't do anything to help my friend. I want to be there and listen, but I'm busy as I know he is as well. Should that really get in my way though? I don't think it matters that I'm busy, friends find the time to talk, to help each other out. I should be putting more effort into the friendship. I just hope he knows that I still consider him one of my best friends.

What can I do to show him that I still care, even when we don't talk?

Song Obsession

You know there are those songs that you hear on the radio (if you listen to it) and you love the beat, the sound of the singer and the pace of the lyrics. Couple of weeks ago I saw Muse with my friends. I knew their music, but as to the name of the songs and what exactly the lyrics were, I had no clue. I caught on here and there and from what I could decipher, I enjoyed it very much. I wanted to get their cd's so I could listen to more of them and get acquainted with all of their songs, as well as learn the names of the songs. One song I love (partly due to the performance I saw live and who I was with at the time) is Starlight. I knew some of the lyrics, but before getting those cd's (a big shout out to Trixie for sending them to me) I didn't know all the lyrics to the song. Now that I do, I'm even more in love with the song and will continue to blast it until I get tired of it.

Since that is a rare occurrence with songs I love, the people around me will just have to endure.

Here are the lyrics for Starlight in case you are unfamiliar with them:

"Starlight"

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

Don't you just want to cuddle up with someone while that's playing? Or, if you're like me, blast it until everyone in the surrounding county can hear it while you sing along in a loud obnoxious voice until it ends.. and then you hit replay.

Wonder Wonder Wonder..

I've been debating lately exactly why I'm writing the things that I do. Why do I write about my life? I write truthfully. I sometimes think of the letters I type to make words as a voice in my head. Ever do that? It's the reason that reading is so much more entertaining than watching a movie. That's not the point though. I write for me, but what's with me wanting to check to see if anyone has read it?

Yup.. I'm weird.

Grow Up?

Rammstein is my second favorite band of all time. I found out a little over a week ago that they will be playing at Madison Square Garden in NY. On United States soil. First time since 2001 that they will have done so. I want to go. Badly.

I plotted in many different ways on how to get there, how to get my parents to agree, where I would be staying, how I would get work to accommodate a weekend in December for me to be out of town. Yea, lots of thought has been put into this trip. A trip that I will have to put on hold. A dream trip, one that is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why? Reality folks. That little bitch that ruins all daydreams and fantasies. Responsibilities are what comes with reality. And I have much on my plate that I must take care of.

My debt to my parents, my schooling, my job.. I unfortunately cannot put these things on hold for a 3 day trip in December. It makes me sad that I can't go see them. When will I ever get that chance again?

Guess I'm growing up.

Nightmare Weekend And It's End

This past weekend was, for better or worse, a nightmare. Only thing that made me sane was a slight breakdown and a visit to Bear's.

Saturday night was a freaking nightmare at work. Every single show of the Social network was 97% full and as I predicted I was going to close concessions. Two of us clocked on at 6pm. I was closing at 2:30am and my coworker was scheduled until 1am. It all started when we had to take our breaks two and a half hours into our shifts, one after the other. I figured since I was getting off work an hour and a half later than him, logically I should take mine second, but we got into a small argument over it and I ended up taking mine first. Whatever. I got back from break and we were slammed for three hours straight. Supposedly for a set like what was going in at that time we were supposed to have all 16 registers open. We had seven. We even had someone call out that night who was supposed to be our PA, which is the person who is "point accountable". Yaaaaaaaaaaay, fun times.. *sigh*

My coworker and I worked our asses off to close the concession stand somewhat early, it was 1:45 by the time I was completely finished. I thought I was done, boy was I wrong. I had to make some caramel corn for the next day because we were completely out. I worked until 2:40am. Made a bag and a half of caramel corn. Most people would have only make half a bag, if that. I felt like I worked two shifts into one. I mean, we all get kicked around during our shifts. We seat, porter, run in concessions, work 3D.. sometimes all in the same shift. But with the amount of work I put into, well... work that night I felt like I had shoved a 16 hour shift into one eight hour shift. I came home drenched in sweat, so tired I was having trouble driving, which isn't a good thing. I was safe and everything, just tired.

When I got home I called Bear. I just needed to hear a friendly voice, some compassion. I was so frustrated I cried. I'm trying so hard to get my life together. Sometimes I feel as if it's not worth it, no one really cares if I do well, they only care when I mess up. At least it feels like that. Anyway, we've had plans to get together for lunch on Sunday. I needed it, needed to see him. Just to feel him hold me, to be near him. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I woke up on Sunday and I felt like shit. I needed to wash my work clothes, I needed to shower, I was at ends with my mom.. I just wanted to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. After I finished my washing my uniform, showered, and got everything together I left for Bear's. Only on the way there I realized I left my freaking work shoes at home. It was a good thing home was on the way to work from Bear's house. I got to Bear's and the first thing I did was walk in the door and give him a kiss. Then I fell into the circle of his arms and stayed there for minutes on end. I needed this, this right here. To be held and feel like I mattered to anyone, someone. I cried, this time because I felt a warm wave of happiness through me.

"You have no idea how much I just wanted to do this last night, just hold you in my arms."

I cried a little more when he said that. Just to feel as if I'm special to someone, that I belong somewhere, and that somewhere was right there, in his arms, holding me close to his heart. I once read that we all have two eyes, two ears, two hands, two sides of a brain.. but only one heart. Our main focus in this world, whether you believe it or not, is to find the other heart that belongs with yours. I think I found mine. We stayed like that, just embracing for awhile. We then heated up leftover pizza and ate. Then we went up to his room and just laid there for awhile, chatting about random things. Whatever popped into our heads.

And yes, it did lead to some happy time, but it was needed. We were both dealing with stressful times.

I was happy after that and not just because of that. It was because of the emotion that went into it. The sincerity of those feelings. Everything done is an expression because of the extent of our love for one another.

Alright, enough sappiness from me.

Last night we went to go see Easy A. It was me, Bear, and Dreamer. The movie was HYSTERICAL. Definitely one I will go see again. I need to take my mom to see it after all.

That's it for now I suppose. I have work again tonight. I wonder what I'll be doing? It's a 5-10 shift, so most likely concessions once again.

Ciao.

Exhausted

I'm so bummed out. My body is extremely tired and sore. I was up for 20 hours yesterday. I woke up early for a test I had to take in my 9am class, so I was up since 7am and after getting home from closing at the Dream Factory I went to bed about 3:15am. Stupid people who worked snackbar yesterday, so eager to get out of there that they left their stations completely unstocked for the next day. Is it really that hard? Make sure your water, ice creams, and candy is stocked before you freaking leave! That way the two closers don't have to stay over what's scheduled and alomst fall asleep on the road during the drive home.

The Social Network is doing amazingly well. Every show was sold out, even our 21+ showing! I have a feeling since I closed auditorium side last night I'm gonna be closing snackbar tonight.

*sigh* I just want to relax, but I have too much to do until I go back tonight. Cleaning, laundry, studying.. it just never ends.

Follow Up

So last Friday wasn't so bad at work.. At least it was a shorter shift. I met up with Boots and her entourage for the night at around midnight and chilled. I was sad that I couldn't join in on the drinking and festivities, but I had to be up and back at work at 9:30am.

On Sat I was dropped off at work so I could be picked up by my friends and go straight to the Muse concert. I was scheduled for snackbar.. eek! At least that was my first thought. It wasn't as horrible as the images in my head as to how the day would go by. I was constantly doing something, but people are so stupid. When did common sense leave the masses? People will stand in line for 5 minutes and have that entire time to look at our menu. Anytime they ask if we have nachos, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, Icees, or a medium sized anything, I just want to look them straight in the eye and say, "Did you even look at the fucking menu?" And for the people who are "members" of our theater, get a damned membership card! I hate taking up so much time looking up 3 different phone numbers, having YOU misspell your last name to me, and finally looking up your email that you registered with just so you can get 3 points on your account. It's a waste of my time, your time, and the time of the 7 groups of people in line behind you. I would appreciate it if you got the card that it takes not 1 second to swipe and avoid all the yelling just to get the points so you can save $5 on something three months down the road.

After I cashed and clocked out, I got ready within minutes and headed downstairs to wait to get picked up by my friends. Tonight was the Muse concert! I was jittery all day in anticipation of the event. I decided to dress up a bit and apparently I did a good job of it because I saw some coworkers on the way down while hey were heading into work and they were like "daaaaaaaaaamn girl." They were both girls, in case you were wondering.

The concert itself was AMAZING. Muse rocked Staples Center like no other. I had a small case of whiplash the next day so work was interesting, but I got to work the caramel corn station so I wasn't complaining. I love making the caramel corn at work. It beats dealing with customers all day and I can confidently say that I'm the best at making caramel corn at work. Not only do I make it well, but I also am the quickest. More than once I've heard the phrase "you're like a machine!" said to me about how fast I make caramel corn. I was thinking about why that was and the reason I've come up with is this - I actually work at making caramel corn. When other people get the shift, they use the time as a way to relax at work and take their time. I make the most of my time in that little cubicle-like station and get done what needs to be done.

After work I rushed home to put the finishing touches on Bear's birthday present. I was making him a scrapbook of all the things we've done since we've been together. I was very nervous to give it to him. Everyone I told about it to get their opinion said he would love it. I had those closest to me help to get started working on the project and I love the way it turned out. When he opened it there was nothing but smiles and laughter coming from him as he flipped through the pages, reminiscing about the times we've had since we met. And they have been nothing but "good times" as Bear would say.

Monday I had the follow-up with my the dermatology department for the state of my cyst, which has pretty much gone away due to the work of the antibiotics. When I had originally gone to see the doctor, it was inflamed and swelled up to the size of a quarter and thick as a small rock. My doctor send a referral to dermatology saying he wanted them to excise it, which is understandable due to the state of it when I first went in. By the time the antibiotics did their job, my skin was smooth and the cyst was just a dark spot under my skin. The dermatologist took a look at it and pretty much said that excising it would not be necessary because these cysts are not typically recurring. Sounds good to me! I don't need to have my armpit cut open and have stitches for a few days. That would have been a pain. I also had gotten my shift covered for that night so, yay, no work for me!

Also on Monday I went to go look at new phones with my mom because mine is literally falling apart. I took good care of that phone, too. I ended up getting the Samsung Reality. Stupid technology, I had to buy a data plan with it costing us $10 more a month even though I don't use internet and other applications on my phone. But apparently the phone wouldn't work without a data plan? Right. Money-grubbing bastards.

Tuesday was class and work. Wednesday was long day of classes and I actually met up with an old high school friend by chance. I have not spoken to her since we graduated and honestly, other than some posts on Facebook, lost all contact with her. We spent an hour and a half before my class on Wednesday catching each other up on the other's life. It was really "mint" as my English online friend would say. We plan to get together soon and go rollerskating. She apparently loves the rink as much as I do!

Last night I spent my girl's night with Boots. We watched Golden Girls, chatted away, watched the new episode of The Big Bang Theory, went to Wal-Mart for photo frames for her and I got new perfume and alarm clock. We shared a Kit-Kat and just had fun. I studied a bit for test I just took today and I think I did really well on. If I got anything less than a B on the test I really need to shoot myself in the foot because I knew majority of what was on that test.

Well, that's it for now. I work closing at the Dream Factory tonight and Saturday night. Blah, no fun. Oh well, at least I have a job and am making money for the Rammstein show I'm hopefully going to in December!!! First time since 2001 that they will be playing on United States soil. Why does it have to be in New York, all the way across the freaking country!! I'm going to try my hardest to go. Who knows if I'll ever get the chance to see them in concert again? Hell, when will they ever play in the United States again?