The Puzzle

I've been having problems staying motivated to do well in college for a bit. Well, more than a bit. I'd say for about the past two years. Or even longer, I'm not entirely sure. I've voiced it to Bear, the fact that I'm not motivated enough. He knows I'm smart, I know I am too. So.. why can't I just do well? That's the question right there. One I've been trying to answer for about a year now.

I was talking with Bear last night and I think I've finally hit answer in the face - I'm going to college for others, not myself. I'm trying to live up to others expectations and it's gotten me nowhere. The only time I've done well in school is when I was playing soccer at the same time. I had a blast during those days. Soccer practice three days a week, games two days a week, exhaustion and a clear mind while doing homework. Music playing in the background while the busy work from school got done. Late nights staying up, satisfied by finishing a project or paper. Reading before class lectures so I would know what the heck was going on. Participating in class discussions. I used to do it all. Now, I don't want to do it anymore. I want my life to move forward, not be stuck in classroom after classroom listening to teachers who don't want to teach. Listening to other students ask the most ridiculous questions. Writing papers, solving problems, doing projects.

I'm tired of it all.

I need to find something, an outlet for my frustration. I've been trying some creative stuff lately. I've gotten a little into painting. I have two small tomato plants growing in the backyard. I've been doing this writing thing for over a year now. The things that make me feel sane are having a job and Bear. I like my job, I really do. As I may have mentioned in past blogs, or maybe not, I'm never really sure anymore, I want to do something in the realm of services. Whether it be teaching, still working at the theaters, owning my own shop, or maybe even writing novels, I want to do something that will give a little happiness to others. Bear.. he's something so special I can't describe it. He's supported me through so much mental drama of my own. I'm so madly in love with him I don't know how I would have gotten through some of the times he's helped me with. We keep growing closer together by the day. The night I met him I felt an amazing connection that I had never felt in my life. Times with him have only gotten better since.

I once created a small line of teddy bears. I had the drawings and everything laid out. They were death bears. Simple idea: think of ways to die and create a bear depicting that death. They were fun to draw. I've never made them though. I know there are death dolls out there, wish I had known about those years earlier, I want them! They're so cute! If you've never seen them, here's an example: http://crackedreality.com/inferno.html

Anyway, that's all I have on my mind at the moment. Oh. Bear spent the night again last night. It was perfect.