Doctor's Visit

Went to the doctor yesterday for something I've been tracking that's unusual. I noticed what I thought was a pimple that hadn't come out yet on my under arm for a couple of weeks. But it started to get bigger and not come forward. Then in a matter days it doubled in size, which means it was as big as a nickel and hard to the touch. Luckily it wasn't sensitive. If it had been, I probably would have been sent to walk-in surgery. But that was it, no more waiting. I made an appointment to see my doctor. I nearly had to cancel it because of the school situation I'm in, but luckily I didn't have to.

Got to the medical offices and waited for my turn. Good thing I made an appointment, I was in the waiting room less than anyone else there. My blood pressure was higher than it normally registers as, but that's probably because I've been stressing for this entire week about my school situation. It wasn't that high compared to other people: only 117/66. Last time it was 98/62, which is about normal for me.

Man, I need to start exercising again. I feel gross and unhealthy.

The doctor took a look at it and said it was basically a cyst that would have normally come out, but it got irritated and stayed underneath the skin. He diagnosed it as a Sebaceous Cyst. He drained it a little bit to see if it was infected, but luckily only blood came out of it. He stuck it with a needle and twisted it around a little to make sure there wasn't any pus. Good thing I have a high pain tolerance, otherwise I would have screamed from that pain. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like a motherfucker, but it was (barely) within my tolerance range.

He prescribed me some antibiotics which I have to take twice a day and I have a follow-up appointment with Dermatology to get the sac of the cyst removed. Hopefully it goes down enough that I don't actually have to go to walk-in surgery. Ugh, warm compresses to make the cyst drain on it's own, antibiotics, band-aids that rip my skin off.. I should have gotten this taken care of sooner, but what can I say.. I guess down to my core I'm just a procrastinator. If my own health doesn't motivate me, what will? Then again, most people don't think about their health. Obesity, diabetes, and any other diseases than can be prevented don't stop people from getting them.

Makes me sad.

College Headache

I've been ridiculously busy with school these past few days.. hell, since Monday started. So many complications, so many questions left up in the air and unanswered that I feel very lost and confused. There's so many paths I could be put on right now, none exactly scary, but it's that fact that I can't plan for what will surely come. I don't know what will surely come. I have to plan in several different directions right now which is so difficult.

I've been running around my campus trying to figure my status as a student. I finally found out I was readmitted for sure. Oh, wait! I have to play the waiting game because some teachers from the summer hasn't posted other students grades, which apparently affects me even though MY teachers have posted my grades. I have to wait for A&R to get those grades and change my status from DQ'ed to Admitted. That may not happen until next week... NEXT WEEK. Why don't they just kill me already?

I've been running around the past two days trying to crash classes in order to be added to those classes. They are classes that I need. I have to wait until tomorrow to find out for one of the courses that has a lecture and lab component. For another course I have to wait until next week. Though since I'm already signed up for a class at a community college that will transfer over as the second course, I think I'll stick with that one. That was found out yesterday after spending about half my day at campus in the 110 degree heat walking like a mad woman trying to crash classes.

Flash to today. I woke up, showered and went straight to campus. I've been to 3 classes today, one which had a lecture and lab. Couldn't get into that first one that has lecture and lab. Go eat. Get to another course, but the spots have already been given away.. damn. The teacher told me that she was teaching another class of the same course later this evening. Go to another course. I have to wait until the third week of classes until I know if I'm in that class. Give me a freaking break. Go eat. Now I'm sitting and waiting to see if I can get into that second class of the teacher I went to earlier. About a half hour before the class starts. I have a headache.

I've been all over campus in the same heat as yesterday. In and out of air-conditioned, and not so air-conditioned, buildings. I hope I don't get sick. If I get into this class, I won't leave for home until 9:45, if the teacher keeps us here that long. So, I left my house a little after 10 in the morning. Crashed classes at 11:00am, 2:00pm, 5:00pm, and waiting to crash this class that starts at 7:00pm.

I just want to go home and sleep so I can be rested in case I have to cancel my doctor's appointment to crash a different class of that same course I'm trying to crash now. Oh and if I get into that class that has a lab component, I have lab tomorrow at 1:00pm.

Isn't college life grand?

All You Need Is Love

Fair warning, this is a long one.  And personal.

We're all jaded by someone or something that has impacted our lives in a negative way.  In this instance I'm talking about someone.  Well, two people in fact.  Both ex-boyfriends.  Relationships, they certainly have the biggest impact upon us.  At least I think they do.  This subject is not easy for me to talk about.  

My first real boyfriend, or what I consider to be my first real relationship anyway, I lost my virginity to.  For a girl, that is not something to be taken lightly or something we're likely ever to forget.  On that subject, we are like the elephant, we never forget.  I was young, stupid, and naive.  He was sweet, or at least he seemed to be, thoughtful, and fun to hang with.  He also started bragging to his fraternity brothers that he was dating a soccer player.  Telling me how good a boyfriend he was for not hitting on certain hot chicks at parties he went to.  Last, he started hanging with his ex-girlfriend of 3.5 years towards the end of our relationship.  I'm leaving a lot of details out because it simply hurts to think about this.  Needless to say, I'm pretty convinced he cheated on me at least once.  No, I do not have any concrete evidence, just a gut feeling.  

My second boyfriend I was with for just shy of 2.5 years.  It was 2 years and 5 months I was with this guy.  My first love and my first experience with true heartbreak.  If you had asked me about my future several years down the road, I would have said I had no doubts about this man in my life.  Little did I know that he was still a boy.  Not to go as far as saying he was my everything, but I did almost everything with him and when I wasn't with him, I was either at school or I was doing something soccer related.  Man, I had so many reasons not to doubt him.  We had so much in common, we did so many activities together, and talked about anything.  Near the end of our relationship, perhaps n the last 3-4 months, whenever we would go to the mall, he would want to stop in the jewelry stores and ask my opinions about stuff.  Yes, he actually did this.  When I would ask him way, his reply was that he wanted to get to know what my taste in jewelry was, what I liked and disliked.  I was still naive.  To me, this made me think that he wanted to buy something special for me soon.  I even got to the point in my contemplations when I thought he was going to buy a ring for me.  

Silly Bubbles, why would anyone do that for you?  At least that's what went through my head many times after he broke up with me.  Just after Thanksgiving, a week before my finals, two weeks before Christmas, and right when my parents were going to take us on our yearly visit to Knott's Berry Farm.  I had to miss Knott's because of studying for finals, but I could have used that distraction.  I was depressed for weeks.  I didn't leave the house.  I tried to stay friend with him, did my best to transition, but honestly, I don't know if he knew what he was doing to my heart.  You see, he apparently started getting feelings for this other girl who was helping him work on his website business.  I have no doubts that he ever cheated on me physically, but emotionally maybe.  Does that make sense?  It does to me.  He started hanging out with her hand her family more and more.  I had no reason to suspect anything because, well, he just wasn't that type of guy.  See what I mean? Naive.  It really became hard to deal with when he started asking me for dating advice.

Advice for things to go more smoothly with HER.  Me being the person I am, stepped back from my emotions and gave him objective dating advice.  I then went home and cried.  Two weeks after that, things weren't going great with them.  I didn't really give a shit at this point.  He called me to see if i was free to get some Starbucks.  I was, so 20 minutes later we went and got some hot chocolate.  I hate coffee.  It was raining.  We sat int he car and talked for a little bit.  Well, he did majority of the talking.  A little later into the conversation he asked me, hesitantly, if I wish we hadn't broken up.  Oh God, what the hell do I say to that?  The truth.  I replied that I do wish we hadn't broken up.  And then, ladies and gentlemen, he asked me the question: did I want to get back together? 

I was silent.  I was shaking.  Why, why the hell was this happening?  What do I say? Yes, no?  He spoke my name softly.  Did I? I was crying silent tears.  I never wanted to go through this.  

No, I told him.  God, now I was shaking even harder.  Man, I still tear up a bit when I talk about this..

No?  He didn't understand, couldn't piece it together.  I wish we hadn't broken up but I didn't want to get back together?  Correct.

Not only was this heartbreak folks, it was a rip-your-heart-out-and-put-it-through-the-incinerator moment. The truth was, if this happened once, what was the guarantee that it wouldn't happen again?  This was the start of my jading, of my trust issues, of me not believing in love.  Yes, I didn't really believe in love anymore after that.  

I started dating my third boyfriend a couple of weeks later.  This relationship lasted almost a year.  It pains me to say this, but I think he was a rebound.  He was nice, innocent, and loved guns.  He was strong, funny, and loved watching movies.  I was actually talking with Boots about this a little while ago and I came to the conclusion that he was more of a friend with benefits for me.  I cared for him, but not like I think a girlfriend should or how I normally would anyway when in a relationship.  I do feel a little shame in the fact that he gave his virginity to me while I was in essence using him.. 

Guess I'm not above the title bitch after all.

This brings me to present day.  I've been dating someone for nearly 6 months now that I met by chance.  He was supposed to be in Vegas that weekend and I was planning on being at home the whole night on the night we met.  This night was perhaps the most fantastic night of my life.  I have never connected with anyone quite easily as I did with Bear.  Nor have I ever kissed anyone within the first few hours of meeting them.  He asked me out on a date the next day and the following Friday was our first date.  Since then, I have been that happiest I've been in a very long time.  I'm optimistic.  I'm cheerful.  I'm in love again.  Tonight I found out what a true emotional connection is. 

Bear and I have have sex just like any other couple out there.  We experiment and have fun.  We love to please each other in ways we know how and learn new ways to do so.  Tonight something different happened.  I experienced love-making.  It was slow, it was sweet, it was wonderful.  I was so happy that I nearly cried because I didn't know exactly how to express my emotions (we girls sometimes cry for that reason boys, get used to it, it's not always a bad thing).  I've never made love or been made love to.. is that the right way to say that?  Anyway.. this was, well, new.  If he only knew how deeply in love with him I am and oh, I'm scared.  All the emotional baggage from previous relationships rears it's ugly heads.  Bear is truly something special.  His mind is amazing.  His spirit is strong.  He's lived an incredible life so far.  And he loves me.  He wants to be with me.  My first instinct is to question why.  I'm nothing special.  I don't really have much to offer.  But he chooses me, for the moment anyway.  I have my doubts, mainly because of relationship baggage, but I don't think I'm giving him the credit he deserves because nothing he has ever done leads me to believe that he doesn't want me, that I'm only there because it's convenient.  He likes me for me.  He wants to be with me.  

And once again, I believe in love.  

Everything he's done, I've done, and that we've done together has been put into perspective for me.  All because of one night of true love-making.

Go With The Flow

I'm a very go-with-the-flow type of person.  There will be some times where I think I'm being so distracted by everything thought that crosses my mind.  I guess that's why I say the weirdest things.  Maybe not the weirdest, but off topic perhaps.  That's the way I've been feeling.  Just.. going with the flow of life.  Seeing where it takes me.  When my second bf broke up with me, I talked with Boots about how I was just going to stay single and figure myself out.  We were going to find ourselves.  Well, at least I was.  Boots has a pretty good idea of who she is.  I envy her sometimes.  She's only two years older than I am, but I look up to her more than she knows.  I rely on her logic and intuition.  She relys on me for the same thing, though we both do it for different reasons.  

About 2 weeks ago I went to go see Inception by myself.  It was kind of weird, seeing a movie by myself.  Today I went and saw another movie by myself.  This time it wasn't weird, it was more liberating than anything else.  Not waiting on anyone to be there on time.  Not having to worry about anything else that doesn't have anything to do directly with myself.  On my way home I had a certain sense of independence that I've never had before.  Like I can do things for myself, by myself, and because of just little ol' me.  I may be a go-with-the-flow type of person, but covering that I am a people pleaser.  I will go at lengths to make sure someone else is comfortable, is happy, is at ease, often to the detriment of myself.  At the moment, I'm very content.  I haven't felt that way for a long while.  I'm not exactly happy with my life, I wish I can make it better.  And I can, I just have to realize that I CAN.  Nobody is in control of my life except for me.  

When I look back at how I was, oh man, was I causing harm to myself.  I was never happy.  I might have thought I was, but it was just me being that way because I thought I had to be.  Heh, this is quite funny.  As I'm writing I have the internet radio station 4EverFloyd playing in the house stereo speakers (yay for a wireless music bridge!) and Comfortably Numb starts playing as I'm talking about how I felt and feel.  I think that's what I was.  I was comfortably numb with how things were.  I feel slightly awake now.  Not quite fully awake.  Not sure if I'll ever be, but I'm making an effort to be, sort of.  

Fall semester starts in two weeks and I'm nervous.  I've messed up twice already.  Third time will not be a charm because I won't mess up a third time.  I won't allow myself to.  I still have to go buy my books and pay for my classes.  I'm also kind of happy to be going back.  I think that's because I still have a chance to fix my future success.  I think I'll still be successful either way, but having that degree is a definite confidence booster.  

Yay, I have a basketball game to go to with my friends from the Dream Factory.  I suck at basketball, so this should be interesting.  Camera time!!

Thought Vomit

Wow am I drained.  Got home from work about 11:40pm tonight.  The Dream Factory wasn't so bad today considering the shift I was given.  3-11pm and I was seating.  Score!  With how my body was feeling, I couldn't have been happier if I had met Seth Rogen.  Oh yea, I have a major celebrity crush on Mr. Rogen, don't judge me.  Speaking of celebrities, I met Turk, the guy from Scrubs (or since I never watched that show, Clueless for me).  He was really nice.  Shook my hand and everything.  It was pretty cool.  I was seating for a show of Scott Pilgrim VS The World when the previews were showing.  There's a new movie coming out called Devil, from the "brilliant" mind of M. Night Shamylan. Now, the beginning of the preview look kind of interesting.  When M. Night Shamylan's name flashed on the screen, the entire theater groaned.  I mean, it was almost a chorus of "Oh god, really?" fromt he audience.  I had to leave the theater I was laughing so much.  It was the single greatest thing I have witnessed since I started working there.  Well, besides an interaction between a father and his daughter two weeks ago during one of my concession shifts.  The daughter ordered a regular popcorn and then her dad ordered a large popcorn for himself.  She looked up at her dad, rubbed her hand on his bulgy gut and said, "You see this? You don't need that!" 

I nearly fell over in hysterical laughter.

I'm currently drinking some honey vanilla camomille tea in order to make myelf sleepy.  I've been working a ton of closing or nearly closing shifts lately and I haven't been tired when I do end up getting off work early.  Talking with Orchy about reading and writing.  I think he's my main buddy in that subject.  I know Dreamer and I talk about books, but we mainly talk about the characters and stuff that happens in the books.  Orchy and I talk about aspects of the books, how we felt about it, etc.  I really do enjoy our conversations about that stuff.  Especially when it comes to writing.  He's one of the main people who got me started on a blog because he encouraged me to write out my thoughts so I might feel better.  Little did he know it but I was going through quite a depression at the time.  He helped me tons.  

We were talking about Stephen King because Orchy was finishing up Misery as we talked.  I'm a third generation Stephen King fan.  Started reading his short stories when I was in 5th grade.  My favorite story was called Suffer The Little Children.  Very creepy and disturbing little novella.  Absolutely recommend it.  It's in the Nightmares & Dreamscapes collection.  We got onto the topic of some of my favorite childhood memories.  They pretty much all involve my mom reading to me.  The most memorable were her reading the Chronicles of Narnia books to me.  From there I just kind of rambled for a bit.  

I once thought about making a children's book.  Like short story compilations or something.  It's still something I'd like to do.  Who know's if I'll ever accomplish it though?  

The world may never know.

I've been talking with a friend from overseas about college and stuff.  He made me feel a bit better when he said he took seven years to finish up his first college degree.  I'm coming up on year five, sadly.  He's extremely smart, so to hear him say that when I don't think I am, made me feel better.  I truly do not think I'm smart.  There are times when I'm around my friends that I just totally feel dumb because I have no idea what they are talking about.  I'm very logical though.. in a abstract kind of way.  I just think I lack the smarts people credit me for.  My overseas friend said, "I think what you might lack is some personal belief...you are smart but, the lack of self confidence will affect your ability if you aren't able to develop it...."  He may be right.  I don't know.

Well, I'm finally getting pretty sleepy.  Time to go flop onto my bed and pass out listening to classical.  I know that sounds a little silly, especially for a girl at my age, but don't underestimate it's power to soothe you.  It does it for me.  

Have a great night all.

Shoe Trial

My mom mentioned to me the other day about the Skecher's Shape Up shoes.  I know pretty much all about the Shape Ups, I used to sell them when I worked at Sport Chalet.  Apparently they now make slip resistant ones for work shoes.  I decided to go check them out.  Of course being me, they didn't have my size.  I went to look in the men's section.  I have genetically big feet.  Thanks Mom. 

But, it could be a good thing.  Men's sizes are typically wider (which is another aspect of feet I was blessed with, again, thanks Mom) and just feel better.  I wish they started at 7.5 sizes rather than 8 for men's shoes.  I'd be able to find sports type shoes (running, walking, cleats, etc..) much easier.  Though it does make finding Converse shoes easier.  Just wish they had better colors.  Oh if it's not one thing to complain about, I can always find another!

I work tonight for about 6 hours and 15 minutes.  I'm gonna see if I can just make it an even six because other wise I would have to take a half hour non-paid lunch, which would put my actual work time at 5 hours and 45 minutes.  I'd rather have those extra 15 minutes, thank you very much.  Well, I did stay an extra 45 minutes last night at work, so I guess it would even out.  I could use all I can get though.

The trial of the new shoes begins tonight!

Busy Busy..

Feeling quite productive today.  I took off from home early before my final so I could do a quick review of four chapters for my Individual and Family Development class.  Got to campus an hour early and did my review.  I'm pretty sure it paid off.  There were a few questions where I was like, "Oh! I just read that."  It felt nice.  Once I finished my test, I called up Bear.  He had sent me a text earlier in the morning to wish me good luck on my final.  He can be so sweet.  

I made my plans on what I needed to do today.  Workout, eat lunch, do some laundry, and buy running shoes.  Oh, and I have work later.  

Did my workout, finished the load of laundry I wanted to do, and am making myself some food to eat.  Already cut up some watermelon.  It's soooooooooooo delicious. Taquitos just got done in the microwave. All left to do now is shower and go hunting for running shoes.

Dude! Seriously?

I just found out that Costco sells coffins/caskets or whatever you want to call them.  The sleeping places of the dead.  That is highly amusing.  Would anyone be able to find out if they sell urns as well?

SSDD.. Kinda

I feel distant.  I feel alone.  I don't really feel anything.  

I just spent the whole day feeling like nothing.  I continue to feel so.  Too bad I'm not better at hiding when I don't feel like my normal, perky, outgoing, happy-go-lucky, cheery, ever chipper self.  The day started out alright I suppose.  Woke up, had breakfast, got ready for class and left for class.  I decided during class that I was tired of waiting to see Inception since it's been out for three weeks already and I had not seen it yet.  I texted about eight people to see if anyone wanted to go,  no one could.  Class got out about 10 minutes early, so I called my mom to let her know I was going to go home and then see the movie by myself.  I hate seeing movies by myself.  She asked if I could finish doing the dishes before I left for the movie, which I did without griping.  What was there to gripe over after all?

Dishes all done, I left for the movie.  The movie itself was really good.  I don't think it was the mind-blowing, orgasmic film of the year everyone was so keen to describe it as, but it was good.  I came home to an empty house still.  My dad had texted me saying he was at my grandma's helping her with the moving truck.  My grandma is moving to Arizona.  I'm glad for her, but also sad that instead of a 30 minute drive to see her I'll now have to drive 6 hours.  More planning will be involved with that.  Also a Vegas trip will somehow wind up being in the plans.  I'm not sure how, but it will sneak in there.  Mom also texted me saying she was going to my grandma's house to help out a little bit and then go to her second job.  I was home alone all day, just me and the dogs.  I wonder if the silence and calm is what living alone feels like.  

I felt briefly happy again when I went to Target with Boots.  I spent $89 at Target on new bras, sunglasses, and a workout DVD.  Shush, I like my workout DVD's.  Then I got dropped off at the bowling alley to meet up with Bear and Tallboy.  I was starting to feel blank again because Boots was leaving and Bear and Tallboy were having their banter as usual, but I wasn't enjoying it as much.  We left the bowling alley.  Tallboy was driving Bear and they gave me a ride home.  We were supposed to chill at my house for a little bit, but Tallboy decided that there wasn't much time to do that once we got here, which brought my mood even lower.  What was the point of me leaving with them instead of Boots then?  I feel even more alone than I have all day.  

After taking the dogs outside and putting them down for the night, Tallboy noticed my Associates of Arts Degree on the wall.  Bear commented that I was smart.  Tallboy agreed.  I disagree whole-heartedly.  I'm not really smart.  We argued calmly back and forth for a minute.  Tallboy then commented that I was really down in the dumps today.  I'm not really sad, just.. blank.  I can't quite describe what it is I am. 

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 17

Now I go to sleep and hope I wake up to a better day.

Random Events

I was walking to class today and I saw a sad sight.  There was a baby bird on the floor half eaten and covered in flies. At first I couldn't make out what it was because it had no body, but then I saw the beak and the rest of the image fell into place.  No, it didn't make me think of what happens when we die. No, it didn't ruin my day.  My day has just started after all.  But today seems to be a day that things are more morose than normal, which isn't really saying much.  

I woke up today and my body is just plain tired.  My sleep schedule is really messed up with working late and then going to class early.. not really working for me.  Alas, I must deal with it in order to live somewhat peacefully in my little slice of the world.  I found my Mom in some extreme pain.  Apparently she ethier strained or pulled her sternocleidomastoid.  That would be a main muscle in the neck.  Poor woman, she's going into work instead of going to the doctor.  She'll probably make an appointment when her pain gets worse, which isn't saying much considering she's been stiff in the neck for a few days before this.  All she says is she slept wrong.  Right.

You know what I picked up before I came to class?  A V8 can of vegetable juice!  I used to drink this stuff when I was little like I couldn't live without it.  It was my air, essential to keeping me alive.  I know it has a lot of sodium and makes you a little more thirsty, but it just tastes delicious!  Unless you don't like tomatoes, then you'll just gag on it.  I think I'll try and find a less sodium infused V8 juice and bug my Dad to buy me some.

Can't wait to have lunch with Bear today.  Finally get to spend some quality time with him.  Subway, here we come!  Well.. soon as I'm done with class.

Time

You can never have enough time.  I closed at the Dream Factory once again last night.  It wasn't so bad closing last night though, I had a fantastic closing crew.  Most of my coworkers who were in the snack bar were cool.  The last two I had with me are by far becoming my favorite coworkers at work.  They both hate it there which makes working with them just plain entertaining.  I got out of there an hour early last night, which was really awesome.  I walked back to the parking lot and with another coworker who just got out of a movie and talked.  It was fun.  I don't get to just bs with some of my coworkers like I want to.  Majority of them are really nice.  Some are ok.  Others.. I wonder how they even got the job.  Aren't most jobs that way, though?

Anyway, now I'm working on a paper for my Music in Film class.  It's due at 5pm.  Nothing like waiting for the last minute! 

I was hoping to see Bear before I went to class, but it's looking less and less likely.  I was even hoping to join my coworkers at learning rubgy today.  I don't even know if I'm going to get to see Bear today.  He works tomorrow as do I, so I won't get to see him again.  He's going to take me ou to lunch on Wednesday.  I'll be so happy to see him, but I miss him now.  I feel like something is missing right now and I know it's his presence.  I just feel better when he's around.  More energetic and just in general in better spirits.  I don't think he know how much he affects me. 

Man.. am I sappy or what?