Scared Silence

I spent the evening with Bear drinking cocoa, listening to Muse, reading, and cuddling. It was an amazing night even though not much was done. Sometimes you just need one of those times, and I look forward to many more of those nights ahead. Relaxing and self realizations. Amazing.

Amazing is a word that Bear and I use to describe each other. We argue playfully that the other is the amazing person, not believing it in ourselves. At least I don't. I think Bear does, but for the reason that "you're worth being amazing for". I can't help but smile every single time he says that. I'm amazing so that he has to be amazing for me. Or is it that he's amazing and I just want to do what I can to help him continue to be amazing? Who knows. But tonight I came across and sudden realization of part of the reason Bear is an amazing person, but for some reason I couldn't voice it. Am I still afraid of opening up? I love Bear, completely. But if I do, why am I afraid?

Rejection maybe? If he were to reject me he would have done so already, if not when we first met.

So why am I afraid? Why am I nervous? What makes it so difficult to open this part of me up to him?

So here's the low down - in my past relationships (a grand total of four, including Bear) two of them have cheated on me and the other just lost interest in me romantically. I haven't had the best luck in matters of the heart. How do I explain to him that after true heartbreak, after bad experiences, I came to know that love, true feelings of love, do in fact exist? I have the perfect model of what love is, my parents. Married 27 years, together for 30, and still in love to this day as much as they were back when they first met. It's not perfect, but nothing is. They have their disagreements, but in the end they love each other and they work things out. There isn't anything in this world that they cannot handle if they are together.

Anyway..

I so wnted to tell him why he is amazing to me tonight. I wanted to tell him that he has made me believe that trust, true feelings of love, and honesty do exist. I noticed that i listed those in order of what was broken in me in my relationships past. Trust was broken when the guy whom I lost my virginity to cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend. Love was shattered when the guy I dated for 2.5 years cheated on me. I was led to believe we would get married one day. Long story. Honesty was thrown out the window when a guy had me believing that our relationship was just fine when in fact he had lost interest in me 2 months before it ended. My dog had died, my brother was married, Thanksgiving and Christmas had passed, but I knew something was wrong and if I mentioned something like that to him, he would reassure that things were great and we would go out and have good times, laughing all the while. How was I to know? Guess I'm just gullible.

Bear though.. he's amazing because he has shown me that trust, love, and honesty exist. I didn't think that I would believe in those in anymore, but I do. We look at each other and I see in his eyes my future.. full of hope, trust, love, and laughter.

But how do I say that?