Go With The Flow

I'm a very go-with-the-flow type of person.  There will be some times where I think I'm being so distracted by everything thought that crosses my mind.  I guess that's why I say the weirdest things.  Maybe not the weirdest, but off topic perhaps.  That's the way I've been feeling.  Just.. going with the flow of life.  Seeing where it takes me.  When my second bf broke up with me, I talked with Boots about how I was just going to stay single and figure myself out.  We were going to find ourselves.  Well, at least I was.  Boots has a pretty good idea of who she is.  I envy her sometimes.  She's only two years older than I am, but I look up to her more than she knows.  I rely on her logic and intuition.  She relys on me for the same thing, though we both do it for different reasons.  

About 2 weeks ago I went to go see Inception by myself.  It was kind of weird, seeing a movie by myself.  Today I went and saw another movie by myself.  This time it wasn't weird, it was more liberating than anything else.  Not waiting on anyone to be there on time.  Not having to worry about anything else that doesn't have anything to do directly with myself.  On my way home I had a certain sense of independence that I've never had before.  Like I can do things for myself, by myself, and because of just little ol' me.  I may be a go-with-the-flow type of person, but covering that I am a people pleaser.  I will go at lengths to make sure someone else is comfortable, is happy, is at ease, often to the detriment of myself.  At the moment, I'm very content.  I haven't felt that way for a long while.  I'm not exactly happy with my life, I wish I can make it better.  And I can, I just have to realize that I CAN.  Nobody is in control of my life except for me.  

When I look back at how I was, oh man, was I causing harm to myself.  I was never happy.  I might have thought I was, but it was just me being that way because I thought I had to be.  Heh, this is quite funny.  As I'm writing I have the internet radio station 4EverFloyd playing in the house stereo speakers (yay for a wireless music bridge!) and Comfortably Numb starts playing as I'm talking about how I felt and feel.  I think that's what I was.  I was comfortably numb with how things were.  I feel slightly awake now.  Not quite fully awake.  Not sure if I'll ever be, but I'm making an effort to be, sort of.  

Fall semester starts in two weeks and I'm nervous.  I've messed up twice already.  Third time will not be a charm because I won't mess up a third time.  I won't allow myself to.  I still have to go buy my books and pay for my classes.  I'm also kind of happy to be going back.  I think that's because I still have a chance to fix my future success.  I think I'll still be successful either way, but having that degree is a definite confidence booster.  

Yay, I have a basketball game to go to with my friends from the Dream Factory.  I suck at basketball, so this should be interesting.  Camera time!!