Fair warning, this is a long one. And personal.
We're all jaded by someone or something that has impacted our lives in a negative way. In this instance I'm talking about someone. Well, two people in fact. Both ex-boyfriends. Relationships, they certainly have the biggest impact upon us. At least I think they do. This subject is not easy for me to talk about.
My first real boyfriend, or what I consider to be my first real relationship anyway, I lost my virginity to. For a girl, that is not something to be taken lightly or something we're likely ever to forget. On that subject, we are like the elephant, we never forget. I was young, stupid, and naive. He was sweet, or at least he seemed to be, thoughtful, and fun to hang with. He also started bragging to his fraternity brothers that he was dating a soccer player. Telling me how good a boyfriend he was for not hitting on certain hot chicks at parties he went to. Last, he started hanging with his ex-girlfriend of 3.5 years towards the end of our relationship. I'm leaving a lot of details out because it simply hurts to think about this. Needless to say, I'm pretty convinced he cheated on me at least once. No, I do not have any concrete evidence, just a gut feeling.
My second boyfriend I was with for just shy of 2.5 years. It was 2 years and 5 months I was with this guy. My first love and my first experience with true heartbreak. If you had asked me about my future several years down the road, I would have said I had no doubts about this man in my life. Little did I know that he was still a boy. Not to go as far as saying he was my everything, but I did almost everything with him and when I wasn't with him, I was either at school or I was doing something soccer related. Man, I had so many reasons not to doubt him. We had so much in common, we did so many activities together, and talked about anything. Near the end of our relationship, perhaps n the last 3-4 months, whenever we would go to the mall, he would want to stop in the jewelry stores and ask my opinions about stuff. Yes, he actually did this. When I would ask him way, his reply was that he wanted to get to know what my taste in jewelry was, what I liked and disliked. I was still naive. To me, this made me think that he wanted to buy something special for me soon. I even got to the point in my contemplations when I thought he was going to buy a ring for me.
Silly Bubbles, why would anyone do that for you? At least that's what went through my head many times after he broke up with me. Just after Thanksgiving, a week before my finals, two weeks before Christmas, and right when my parents were going to take us on our yearly visit to Knott's Berry Farm. I had to miss Knott's because of studying for finals, but I could have used that distraction. I was depressed for weeks. I didn't leave the house. I tried to stay friend with him, did my best to transition, but honestly, I don't know if he knew what he was doing to my heart. You see, he apparently started getting feelings for this other girl who was helping him work on his website business. I have no doubts that he ever cheated on me physically, but emotionally maybe. Does that make sense? It does to me. He started hanging out with her hand her family more and more. I had no reason to suspect anything because, well, he just wasn't that type of guy. See what I mean? Naive. It really became hard to deal with when he started asking me for dating advice.
Advice for things to go more smoothly with HER. Me being the person I am, stepped back from my emotions and gave him objective dating advice. I then went home and cried. Two weeks after that, things weren't going great with them. I didn't really give a shit at this point. He called me to see if i was free to get some Starbucks. I was, so 20 minutes later we went and got some hot chocolate. I hate coffee. It was raining. We sat int he car and talked for a little bit. Well, he did majority of the talking. A little later into the conversation he asked me, hesitantly, if I wish we hadn't broken up. Oh God, what the hell do I say to that? The truth. I replied that I do wish we hadn't broken up. And then, ladies and gentlemen, he asked me the question: did I want to get back together?
I was silent. I was shaking. Why, why the hell was this happening? What do I say? Yes, no? He spoke my name softly. Did I? I was crying silent tears. I never wanted to go through this.
No, I told him. God, now I was shaking even harder. Man, I still tear up a bit when I talk about this..
No? He didn't understand, couldn't piece it together. I wish we hadn't broken up but I didn't want to get back together? Correct.
Not only was this heartbreak folks, it was a rip-your-heart-out-and-put-it-through-the-incinerator moment. The truth was, if this happened once, what was the guarantee that it wouldn't happen again? This was the start of my jading, of my trust issues, of me not believing in love. Yes, I didn't really believe in love anymore after that.
I started dating my third boyfriend a couple of weeks later. This relationship lasted almost a year. It pains me to say this, but I think he was a rebound. He was nice, innocent, and loved guns. He was strong, funny, and loved watching movies. I was actually talking with Boots about this a little while ago and I came to the conclusion that he was more of a friend with benefits for me. I cared for him, but not like I think a girlfriend should or how I normally would anyway when in a relationship. I do feel a little shame in the fact that he gave his virginity to me while I was in essence using him..
Guess I'm not above the title bitch after all.
This brings me to present day. I've been dating someone for nearly 6 months now that I met by chance. He was supposed to be in Vegas that weekend and I was planning on being at home the whole night on the night we met. This night was perhaps the most fantastic night of my life. I have never connected with anyone quite easily as I did with Bear. Nor have I ever kissed anyone within the first few hours of meeting them. He asked me out on a date the next day and the following Friday was our first date. Since then, I have been that happiest I've been in a very long time. I'm optimistic. I'm cheerful. I'm in love again. Tonight I found out what a true emotional connection is.
Bear and I have have sex just like any other couple out there. We experiment and have fun. We love to please each other in ways we know how and learn new ways to do so. Tonight something different happened. I experienced love-making. It was slow, it was sweet, it was wonderful. I was so happy that I nearly cried because I didn't know exactly how to express my emotions (we girls sometimes cry for that reason boys, get used to it, it's not always a bad thing). I've never made love or been made love to.. is that the right way to say that? Anyway.. this was, well, new. If he only knew how deeply in love with him I am and oh, I'm scared. All the emotional baggage from previous relationships rears it's ugly heads. Bear is truly something special. His mind is amazing. His spirit is strong. He's lived an incredible life so far. And he loves me. He wants to be with me. My first instinct is to question why. I'm nothing special. I don't really have much to offer. But he chooses me, for the moment anyway. I have my doubts, mainly because of relationship baggage, but I don't think I'm giving him the credit he deserves because nothing he has ever done leads me to believe that he doesn't want me, that I'm only there because it's convenient. He likes me for me. He wants to be with me.
And once again, I believe in love.
Everything he's done, I've done, and that we've done together has been put into perspective for me. All because of one night of true love-making.
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