I feel distant. I feel alone. I don't really feel anything.
I just spent the whole day feeling like nothing. I continue to feel so. Too bad I'm not better at hiding when I don't feel like my normal, perky, outgoing, happy-go-lucky, cheery, ever chipper self. The day started out alright I suppose. Woke up, had breakfast, got ready for class and left for class. I decided during class that I was tired of waiting to see Inception since it's been out for three weeks already and I had not seen it yet. I texted about eight people to see if anyone wanted to go, no one could. Class got out about 10 minutes early, so I called my mom to let her know I was going to go home and then see the movie by myself. I hate seeing movies by myself. She asked if I could finish doing the dishes before I left for the movie, which I did without griping. What was there to gripe over after all?
Dishes all done, I left for the movie. The movie itself was really good. I don't think it was the mind-blowing, orgasmic film of the year everyone was so keen to describe it as, but it was good. I came home to an empty house still. My dad had texted me saying he was at my grandma's helping her with the moving truck. My grandma is moving to Arizona. I'm glad for her, but also sad that instead of a 30 minute drive to see her I'll now have to drive 6 hours. More planning will be involved with that. Also a Vegas trip will somehow wind up being in the plans. I'm not sure how, but it will sneak in there. Mom also texted me saying she was going to my grandma's house to help out a little bit and then go to her second job. I was home alone all day, just me and the dogs. I wonder if the silence and calm is what living alone feels like.
I felt briefly happy again when I went to Target with Boots. I spent $89 at Target on new bras, sunglasses, and a workout DVD. Shush, I like my workout DVD's. Then I got dropped off at the bowling alley to meet up with Bear and Tallboy. I was starting to feel blank again because Boots was leaving and Bear and Tallboy were having their banter as usual, but I wasn't enjoying it as much. We left the bowling alley. Tallboy was driving Bear and they gave me a ride home. We were supposed to chill at my house for a little bit, but Tallboy decided that there wasn't much time to do that once we got here, which brought my mood even lower. What was the point of me leaving with them instead of Boots then? I feel even more alone than I have all day.
After taking the dogs outside and putting them down for the night, Tallboy noticed my Associates of Arts Degree on the wall. Bear commented that I was smart. Tallboy agreed. I disagree whole-heartedly. I'm not really smart. We argued calmly back and forth for a minute. Tallboy then commented that I was really down in the dumps today. I'm not really sad, just.. blank. I can't quite describe what it is I am.
"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 17
Now I go to sleep and hope I wake up to a better day.
2 comments:
Everyone has those days, Bubbles, even perky, happy, optimistic me! It is a natural human emotion, so don't feel left out. Feeling indifferent, or not feeling at all, is normal. It usually happens on the most epic of days, too.
I agree that Inception wasn't that great as everyone claims it to be, it was just good. I feel bad that your grandmother is moving away, but at least she is still in the same country. As for the quote from Chuck Palahniuk's FIGHT CLUB, that was just awesome. I think Chuck is an awesome writer, but I have yet to read some of his novels, but I've read some of his short pieces.
Anyway, cheer up and wait for the indifference to end. The feeling will pass and you will be the bubbly Bubbles that we all know and love. Write on! :D
I'm the other way around, I've read his novels but not his short pieces. I highly suggest reading Lulluby by Chuck. I'm still trying to get through Invisible Monsters.
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